Cattāri Brahmavihārā

Posted by: Michael | 08/15/2013

Insecurity

The moment that it seemed as if there was once more something to hold onto I noticed a movement within to both grap on tight and to push away the awareness of the inherent insecurity and instability of things. And although I don’t believe it’s advisable let alone possible to live in a constant state of instability I think that without a baseline awareness of the fragility of any state of affairs I am too easily duped into complacency. But, how to remain vitally aware of anicca without burining out my adrenals?

If anything it seems that one of the (currently) most effective ways to do so is via compassion. Whenever I see someone sleeping on the street or begging for money on the sidewalk my heart breaks open because I realize there’s nothing solid separating me from that person. Solely by dint of circumstance am I living in comfort and apparent security. Yes, I understand that we are all heirs to our kamma but surely I have been in that exact situation over innumerable lifetimes. So, for today at least may I enter into the knowledge of anicca through the door of karuna.

Leave a Comment

Posted in Anicca, Buddhism, Daily Practice, Dhamma, Karuna, Parenting, Practice at Work, Theravada | Tags: anicca, compassion, insecurity, karuna, uncertainty

Posted by: Michael | 08/14/2013

Where am I suffering?

It appears that I forgot to post yesterday which is no surprise given the circumstances. It was both my son’s birthday and the day we suffered one of the biggest set-backs we’ve possiblly ever encountered in our business. So, naturally, I forgot about the blog.

The thing I have been realizing, however, is that despite all the fear, panic and uncertainty, there really isn’t much more to it than thoughts and feelings in the body. Yes, when not viewed with mindfulness the fear paralyzes as it seeks to persuade you that things will get much worse in unimaginably cruel ways but, in the moment there are thoughts that chatter on like madmen and butterflies in ones stomach or a cold chill in one’s hands and feet. Nothing more, nothing less. And then there’s the vedana: pleasant, unpleasant or neutral in terms of its feeling tone. It’s no surprise to say that none of these experiences are pleasant but just peeling it back to see that and stopping the aversion in its tracks is solace enough.

Sabbe dhamma anatta.

Leave a Comment

Posted in Anatta, Buddhism, Daily Practice, Dhamma, Parenting, Practice at Work, Theravada | Tags: anatta, Dukkha, fear, not-self, vedana

Posted by: Michael | 08/12/2013

Pariyatti

Lately, mostly due to my work schedule, I have been feeling that my Dhamma study has been particularly lacking while simultaneously feeling overwhelmed by the prospect of trying to understand aspects of the Dhamma which have remained unclear to me. There seems to be no shortage of groups dedicated to sutta study and analysis but I seem to have developed an aversion to it all perhaps due to past experiences.

You see there was time, not so long ago, that my clinging to certain views abot the Dhamma lead me to find fault with most of the teachers I encountered and set me adrift on oceans of doubt. There is no question that I suffered for it but how does one gain an understanding without becoming entangled in a thicket of views?

At this point I really feel the need to return to the suttas, especially the Satipatthana Sutta, to refine my understanding and practice more in line with the Dhamma but I am afraid of what I will discover about my teacher. What if I find that I disagree fundamentally with his interpretation(s)? In the past this has resulted in my own self-imposed exile from him and the group so I will obviously need to find a better way to deal with it if it proves to be the case. Perhaps the best way to proceed is the way I have been experimenting with in my formal meditation (taught to me by the very teacher with whom I am afraid of disagreeing): to bring gentleness and compassion to whatever arises. In this way, and through the remebrance of the imperfect nature of discursive knowledge, I hope to continue to progress on the path while avoiding the pitfalls of hubris and fault-finding.

Leave a Comment

Posted in Buddhism, Daily Practice, Formal Meditation, Gratitude, Karuna, Metta, Theravada | Tags: pariyatti, satipatthana, study, teachers, theoory

Posted by: Michael | 08/11/2013

Compassion and Confusion

It always amazes me the difference a night’s rest seems to make for me. A scant eight hours ago I was hopeless, irritated and anxious and could hardly bring myself to reflect on the state of the mind let alone practice and now it is as if none of that ever happened. Well, not quite.

This morning’s formal meditation proceeded in the standard way it has for some time with a touch more concentration than I have noted of late. Still, the one thing which kept coming up and strengthens my conv8ction in the efficacy of the practice was that whenever I found myself lost in the hindrances I remembered to bring up compassion for my suffering there at that moment. And the craziest part is that it worked: I let the pain and confusion in, engendered compassion for the suffering and moved back to the breath.
As hard as these weeks have been it’s clear that without difficulty there is no way to learn these things.

Leave a Comment

Posted in Anapanasati, Buddhism, Daily Practice, Dhamma, Formal Meditation, Gratitude, Karuna, Theravada | Tags: compassion, difficulties, hindrances, karuna, meditation

Posted by: Michael | 08/11/2013

Blah

Today was a day spent in almost complete absence of mindfulness. I think somewhere between the worry and 14 hour days I exhausted myself to the breaking point. In fact it was all I could do to muster the strength to do ten minutes of walking meditation. I’m not sure if it’s simply the low energy or if it’s frustration turned inward but I am experiencing a lot of self-hatred and aversion today. Really I think at this hour the best I can do is good to bed.

May we all be free of suffering and the causes of suffering.

Leave a Comment

Posted in Buddhism, Daily Practice

Posted by: Michael | 08/09/2013

Letting It In

I can’t recall a time in the recent past when I have been so consistently plagued by financial concerns. It has gotten to the point where I am even reluctant to meditate because I am so averse to the idea of being swamped by worries and financial phantasmagoria. And yet, though I may be suffering as a result of clinging to the illusions of security, the degree of dukkha is considerably less than what I imagine I would feel with the loss of a child or spouse. As such, I have been trying to dedicate some time to reflecting on the countless blessings of my life at least once a day and reminding myself that, yes, it’s bad but it could easily be much worse.

So, all of the above are important points of recollection but sitting with the seemingly endless assaults of worry has had me in a pretty bad way. Luckily, my conviction in the Triple Gem and especially in the Dhamma is strong enough that it is not a question of whether I should meditate but simply a question of how. As I sat and watched my mind run hither and tither making plans and a hundred different resolves it cam to me (after a good half-hour) that I needed to let the fear and worry in completely. Seeing it I invited it in and relaxed every muscles in my body to let the energy run through me as I called up all of the fears that I had hitherto pushed out of awareness and only shamefully acknowledged until now. Letting it in and feeling it run it’s course really opened things up and the oppresive weight of it all lifted. I know that as my mindfulness and heedfulness wane in the course of the day it will creep back in and sit on my chest and shoulders like a witch’s familiar but I just need to remember not to fight it and to let it in and let it be.

Leave a Comment

Posted in Dhamma | Tags: karuna, letting be, letting in, mindfulness

Posted by: Michael | 08/08/2013

Ephemera

Amidst the peaks and troughs of daily life and the myriad worries of a layperson it’s quite easy to forget that one day soon all of this will come to a crashing halt. What’s more, there will be no warning and no time to prepare. Indulging as I do in anxiety-fueled fantasy does nothing to prepare me for any of the nightmare scenarios in my head–rather, they leave me stricken and weak, a perfect catch for Mara at the moment of my death.

Why is it so hard to believe these truths? Why don’t we see that money, family, jobs are all powerless in the face of Death? As I continue to practice I see ever more clearly just how deep the roots of craving go and realize that there are yet lifetimes ahead of me before I can break these bonds. May I not squander this one worrying about ephemera and instead tread the path to the Unconditioned.

Leave a Comment

Posted in Buddhism, Daily Practice, Dhamma, Formal Meditation, Gratitude, Maranasati, Restlessness and Remorse, Theravada | Tags: craving, ephemera, Nibbana, samsara, unconditioned

Posted by: Michael | 08/07/2013

Coming Up for Air

I’m not quite sure how it was that I managed to keep my butt on the cushion today because the mind wanted to be anywhere but with the breath. I was lost in fantasy and various and sundry thoughts about daily life for stretches of what seemed to be five minutes at a time. I think the best way to describe it would be to compare to struggling to keep one’s head above water while being constantly smashed under by the waves. In all of this I was saved only by the realization that I needed to fabricate compassion for myself each and every time I managed to come up for air because in the past I would have simply heaped on more aversion and self-hatred for not being a good meditator. I know I’ve said this before but it really does strike me that I never realized in a non-discursive way the value and meaning of metta or karuna. Quite simply this practice of anapanasati cannot be done without a mind grounded in love and compassion. For these difficulties, then, I am grateful because without them I never would have learned the true meaning of these things.

Leave a Comment

Posted in Anapanasati, Buddhism, Daily Practice, Dhamma, Formal Meditation, Gratitude, Karuna, Metta, Restlessness and Remorse, Theravada | Tags: aversion, compassion, hindrances, karuna, love, meditation, metta

Posted by: Michael | 08/07/2013

Happy Uposatha – Falling Apart

This morning started out rather well and although (perhaps, because) my meditation was difficult I saw clearly the value of compassion for one’s sufferings. This theme has been bouncing around in my head since I asked a question of my teacher on Sunday regarding fabrications and perceptions to use when the mind seems to be a complete mess and he replied that perhaps the best thing to do would be to accept it, move to fabricating compassion for one’s troubles and then returning to the breath. Always the skeptic I was initially aversive to his suggestion but after almost of decade of interacting with him I somehow realized that he might know what he was talking about.

So, today was the first time I have really had a good opportunity to put it into practice during a sit. The mind was wild and unruly and I was getting pretty desperate when I remembered his advice. Having exhausted my options I gave it a try and lo and behold there was an opening. It was literally as if the compassion cleared away the miasma of dukkha and I was able to clearly see, if only for a moment, the workings of the mind and the arising and passing away of the thoughts. Suffice it to say I was quite taken with the realization.

Fast forward to the end of the session and what was an uposatha day turns into a mudslide of work and family obligations. In the end I have found myself holding the observance in my hands in tatters with nearly every renunciate precept broken and no peace of mind to speak of. And yet, this morning’s lesson has allowed me to feel compassion for the pain and disappointment without adding anything extra to it.

Leave a Comment

Posted in Buddha, Buddhism, Daily Practice, Dhamma, Formal Meditation, Karuna, Theravada, Upekkha, Uposatha | Tags: Alternative, Buddha, Buddhism, compassion, health, karuna, meditation, metta, Organizations, Religion and Spirituality, Shopping

Posted by: Michael | 08/05/2013

Auto-pilot

Dhamma practice can be a tricky thing and it’s never as simple as one would like. For whatever reason (most likely laziness) I am ever desirous of finding that one technique that will deliver me into the Unconditioned. Yet, time and again the reality of the Dhamma hits me like a ton of bricks and I remember that there is no autopilot to Nibbana.

Leave a Comment

Posted in Buddhism, Daily Practice, Dhamma, Formal Meditation, Theravada | Tags: Dhamma, Nibbana, practice