Posted by: Upāsaka Subhavi | 08/12/2013


Lately, mostly due to my work schedule, I have been feeling that my Dhamma study has been particularly lacking while simultaneously feeling overwhelmed by the prospect of trying to understand aspects of the Dhamma which have remained unclear to me. There seems to be no shortage of groups dedicated to sutta study and analysis but I seem to have developed an aversion to it all perhaps due to past experiences.

You see there was time, not so long ago, that my clinging to certain views abot the Dhamma lead me to find fault with most of the teachers I encountered and set me adrift on oceans of doubt. There is no question that I suffered for it but how does one gain an understanding without becoming entangled in a thicket of views?

At this point I really feel the need to return to the suttas, especially the Satipatthana Sutta, to refine my understanding and practice more in line with the Dhamma but I am afraid of what I will discover about my teacher. What if I find that I disagree fundamentally with his interpretation(s)? In the past this has resulted in my own self-imposed exile from him and the group so I will obviously need to find a better way to deal with it if it proves to be the case. Perhaps the best way to proceed is the way I have been experimenting with in my formal meditation (taught to me by the very teacher with whom I am afraid of disagreeing): to bring gentleness and compassion to whatever arises. In this way, and through the remebrance of the imperfect nature of discursive knowledge, I hope to continue to progress on the path while avoiding the pitfalls of hubris and fault-finding.

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