Cattāri Brahmavihārā

Posted by: Michael | 10/15/2018

Practic

I don’t know why it is but even when I’m able to do 45 minutes of formal meditation in the morning I feel lately like it hasn’t left an imprint on my mind. Maybe it’s because I’ve been following Ajahn Martin’s advice and starting meditation as soon as possible after waking. Whatever the case may be though, one thing in particular needs to be asked: is it a problem that I don’t feel as though I’ve meditated?

Taking a moment to look at the question it’s not immediately apparent to me what it even means to say I’ve meditated. I think I mean that I feel at peace and clean but, on days when I don’t keep my brahmacariya pure it’s hard to tell what is causing this disturbance (like today). Another thing is that this feeling may actually be a good thing if it spurs me on towards further, more intense practice. In other words, is this something I should be attempting to change or is it simply something to be observed?

My instinct is to make my morning routine more formal in terms of refuges, Precepts and practice commitments regardless of whether it makes the practice seem more real. I have been putting off editing my booklet but I’ll do that today and observe the changes (if any) tomorrow.

Leave a Comment

Posted in Buddha, Buddhism, Daily Practice, Dhamma, Formal Meditation, Theravada | Tags: chanting, precepts, refuges, vandana

Posted by: Michael | 10/12/2018

Ahamkara

I’ve been reading a book on Abhidhamma lately and it has both given me a feeling of depth which is sometimes lacking while simultaneously making me feel as though even the illusory, skilful self I am building is nothing but a tower of sea foam. And, of course it is but what I’m feeling and what DOES NOT follow is that it’s a futile exercise.

I think this ties in with a general feeling of malaise and detection resulting from my lack of discipline and other failings. Why though, if I can see so clearly how ephemeral the good me is am I so incapable of seeing the insubstantiality of the worse version? I hope to someday understand this process of ahamkara but until then I’ll try to keep practicing Right Effort.

Leave a Comment

Posted in Buddha, Buddhism, Dhamma, Theravada | Tags: ahamkara, right effort, samma vayamo

Posted by: Michael | 10/10/2018

Impurity

Intoxicated by the promises of pleasure I started a fire in my heart that almost burned everything to the ground. And so, today, I begin again.

244. Easy is life for the shameless one who is impudent as a crow, is backbiting and forward, arrogant and corrupt.

245. Difficult is life for the modest one who always seeks purity, is detached and unassuming, clean in life, and discerning.

246-247. One who destroys life, utters lies, takes what is not given, goes to another man’s wife, and is addicted to intoxicating drinks — such a man digs up his own root even in this world.

248. Know this, O good man: evil things are difficult to control. Let not greed and wickedness drag you to protracted misery.

249. People give according to their faith or regard. If one becomes discontented with the food and drink given by others, one does not attain meditative absorption, either by day or by night.

250. But he in who this (discontent) is fully destroyed, uprooted and extinct, he attains absorption, both by day and by night.

251. There is no fire like lust; there is no grip like hatred; there is no net like delusion; there is no river like craving.

Dhp XVIII – Malavagga: Impurity

Leave a Comment

Posted in Buddha, Buddha Vacana, Buddhism, Dhamma, Sensual Desire, Taṇhā, Theravada | Tags: impurity, kust, purity, suffering

Posted by: Michael | 10/08/2018

Marathon Practice

Leave a Comment

Posted in Buddhism, Dhamma, Formal Meditation, Video | Tags: Ajahn Martin, dhamma talk

Posted by: Michael | 10/08/2018

No Choice

It can feel stifling at times. In the heat of the moment I can be overwhelmed by anger and resentment and find it difficult, if not impossible, to hold my tongue. And, yet, despite these very real difficulties, I know that this is the way. I know, at least, that the path of domination and revenge is nothing less than the path to perdition. So, what’s the alternative?

In the past, especially before I found the Dhamma, my go-to alternative was to bury my head in the sand. I yet believed that ignorance was bliss. Even after I began to have faith, I have made countless excuses for myself: it’s not possible to do X while still a householder; or, the Lord Buddha didn’t expressly forbid Y so I can do it and get away with it. But, somewhere I knew these were cop outs.

No matter how difficult it may seem, anything less than my total commitment to overcoming my defilements is a betrayal of my deepest desire and highest principles. Yes, it has felt like my wife is trying to sadistically punish me and to make me abandon my children so that she will somehow be vindicated. Yes, it is exceedingly hard not to fall prey to the snares of hurt and resentment but it can be done. It must be done.

I know that the highest good to come from all of this would be to go forth and that may very well happen in this lifetime but never as an escape nor with a heart full of coals. I am grateful to her for showing me the limits of romantic love and attraction and how it can so easily be shaped into a barbed hook. I am thankful for the difficulties that have turned me away from the illusion of erotic love and towards the Dhamma. I am grateful to be able to make use of this otherwise nightmarish situation to progress along the path rather than be cast headlong into the abyss by my kilesas.

May my wife find true peace, happiness and contentment. May she meet with every success and quickly find freedom from suffering.

Leave a Comment

Posted in Buddha, Buddhism, Dhamma, Family Life, Gratitude, Karuna, Metta, Parenting, Theravada | Tags: divorce, marital problems, marriage, sadism, separation

Posted by: Michael | 10/07/2018

Palpable

The feeling of contempt and disgust I feel radiating from my wife (a term that hardly feels right when applied to the person with whom I now share the house) is palpable and reminds me of the tendrils of condensing water vapor one sees around a block of dry ice. It is quite literally one of the strangest and most uncomfortable developments I have ever experienced. And, despite my best efforts, I have not been nearly strong enough to keep my mouth shut resulting in even more issues.

I’m not really clear how we got to a place where she can mock me for being a bad Buddhist and in the same breath wish me to walk in front of a car but it’s completely insane. I have to keep reminding myself to let go of this resentment and to recenter myself in order to weather the unrelenting hailstorm of contempt.

May I never marry again. May I find true refuge in the Buddha, Dhamma and Sangha. May my children grow up safe, secure and protected. May they practice the Dhamma and progress towards liberation.

Leave a Comment

Posted in Buddha, Buddhism, Dhamma, Family Life, Forgiveness, Theravada | Tags: contempt, divorce, hatred

Posted by: Michael | 10/05/2018

Putting It Down

It occurred to me this morning that my preoccupation with ordering my life to maximize comfort and minimize anxiety is just one more burden I’ve taken up. Things tend to change so quickly and never play out quite the way we imagined and yet I’m constantly trying to second guess reality. Why twist myself into knots over things that may never come pass?

But, these are just words. The moment that it became real for me happened this morning when I felt, if only briefly, that this worry was almost a physical weight on my chest. My mind’s eye also briefly sketch a gray brown, double-handled burlap sack that must have been the sign of worry. Why carry this around and make myself less ready to confront the inevitable difficulties of life?

If I can only take the sage advice and stop adding on heaping helpings of worry it’s quite conceivable that I could halve my daily dukkha! Yet, any of us who have spent even a little time trying to train oneself in any discipline will know that it’s never a simple proposition when the mind is involved. Wish me luck.

Leave a Comment

Posted in Buddha, Buddhism, Dhamma, Dukkha, Theravada | Tags: Anxiety, discipline, suffering, worry

Posted by: Michael | 10/02/2018

Dhammapada 166

166. Let one not neglect one’s own welfare for the sake of another, however great. Clearly understanding one’s own welfare, let one be intent upon the good.

Attadatthaṃ paratthena, bahunāpi na hāpaye;
Attadatthamabhiññāya, sadatthapasuto siyā.
Attavaggo dvādasamo niṭṭhito.

-Dhp 166

I’ll just leave this here. I have read the Dhammapada dozens of times and yet I seem to have missed this verse.

Leave a Comment

Posted in Buddha, Buddha Vacana, Buddhism, Dhamma, Theravada | Tags: goodness, mahayana, self-care

Posted by: Michael | 09/30/2018

Sleepiness.

Having followed Ajahn Martin’s advice, I woke up, urinated and splashed some water on my face and immediately sat. And, although it was a great way to exercise aditthana I have to admit that I was more sleepy and unfocused than usual. I still intend to practice in this way but I’m sure the going may be rough for awhile. Now that I have some free time I intend to use it to do forty-five minutes of walking meditation. Wish me luck.

Leave a Comment

Posted in Buddha, Buddhism, Dhamma, Formal Meditation, Theravada | Tags: Ajahn Yuttadhammo, sleepiness

Posted by: Michael | 09/29/2018

Commitment

I took Ajahn Martin’s advice and went straight from the bed to the cushion this morning. Well, almost: I did have to pee first. And, although it was painful and difficult, I do have faith that it is a better way to practice. Rather than drinking three cups of coffee while reading garbage on the internet or answering work emails and then trying to calm the mind, it is more of an issue of rousing the mind to take interest in buddho and the breath.

One thing I do know for certain is that, after forty-five minutes of meditation first thing in the morning, I can feel a certain peace and contentment that is normally lacking.

Another practice point that the Venerable outlined is that we should be sitting for a minimum of 45 minutes to an hour. I find that when I allow other things to get in the way I sometimes only have time for a half an hour. And, although this is much better than nothing, it is not enough. I’ve chosen the lay life so I really can’t afford to go any easier on myself if I truly care about my long-term wellbeing. That said, my priority has always to be formal meditation.

As a result, here’s my new aditthana: one hour in the morning, one at night and at least two twenty minute sesssions throughout the day. That puts me pretty close to my former commitment of three hours per day which I was never quite able to reach. Wish me luck.

1 Comment

Posted in Aditthana, Buddha, Buddhism, Daily Practice, Dhamma, Formal Meditation, Theravada | Tags: Ajahn Martin, commitment, practice, priority