It’s funny just how tightly bound my mental states are to the body. During fasting, the low energy I experience seems to make it harder to push myself, not only in terms of physical exertion but, strangely, in terms of social situations as well. It is almost as if the body would have me curl up in a ball and shut everything out.
Now imagine how a chronically malnourished child might feel; especially one who hah never been taught the Dhamma. What would that be like? What kind of kamma could I expect to make in that situation? I imagine what it will be like in this lifetime during a time of famine. If I allow my mind to darken now when I know that I will eat at sunset how can I pretend that I would do otherwise when my next meal may never come. How can I play at bodhisattvic aspirations if this fasting is more than I can handle.
I have eaten this morning. I have drank. I must rouse myself and fight these defilements unceasingly.
I gave in yesterday and failed to keep pure brahmacariya. The belief that doing so would somehow release the pressure and save me from worse deeds in the future definitely under girded the act but I can now see how foolish that was. My mind is more aflame now than it was before and it will take some time to contain the flames.
At times, when the practice is difficult and one is feeling badly, it helps to recall that there are beings out there of much merit and power who are rooting for us. There are bodhisattvas and, according to the Mahayana, even other buddhas working for our benefit even now.
Cattāri Brahmavihārā 