I can think of no other craving that has caused me as many problems in life and in my practice than sexual desire. Its force and power are so attractive and compelling that even the mere mention of it can send shock-waves of energy coursing through my sacrum and solar plexus as if impelling me to do something about it. But, what is it really and why does it have such a hold on me (and, I would assume, on most humans and animals)? A brief (well, not so brief) blurb from Maurice Walsh on the subject may help to throw some light on the subject:
The biological function of sex is obvious and requires no discussion here. But the interesting thing for us to note is how sex — like everything else — is a purely impersonal force. We tend to think of it in intensely personal terms, but in actual fact it is a force that just flows through us and uses our most wonderful and inspiring emotions for its own ends, which are totally concerned with the continuance of the race as a whole. The idea that it is just a private and wonderful thing between you and me is merely a part of our general illusion. Altogether, it is a prolific breeder of illusions. It can lead a man to think he has found the most wonderful woman in the whole world while everybody else is thinking, “What on earth can he possibly see in her?”
To the Buddhist, of course, sex is an expression — perhaps the chief expression — of thattanha or craving which brings dukkha in its train. It is therefore quite logical that we should seek to bring it under control. In a sense, that is all there is to the whole question. The aim of the true Buddhist is to bring about the cessation of craving, and from the individual point of view there is no other reason for sexual restraint than this. But from the broader ethical point of view there are, of course, other reasons which are no less important: if we behave recklessly and irresponsibly in sexual matters, we can cause untold harm to others; we can trifle with other people’s emotions in a quite devilish way, bring unwanted children into the world, and so on and so forth. But none of these things would, of course, happen if we were able to control “our own” sexuality: “our own” in quotes because it is, as we have to remember, an impersonal force working through us, which is precisely why it is so difficult to control.
Total sexual control in the sense of perfect abstinence is quite obviously only for the few. It is perhaps one mistake of the Roman Catholic Church that it seeks to impose this discipline on too many people and too absolutely, as some Catholics now recognize. But in fact there will always be more than sufficient people willing and even determined to keep the human race going. Society’s problem is rather to prevent the population explosion from getting completely out of hand — hence all the rather dreary arguments about “the pill.”
Now there are various possible ways of controlling the sex-urge, some bad, some good. One is through fear: fear of hell fire, fear of venereal diseases, and so on. This is of course not a particularly good way, though it can certainly work, and is perhaps not always wholly harmful. After all, there can be various unfortunate consequences of intercourse and we should be aware of them. Even rebirth in some very unpleasant “hell-state” is not necessarily a complete fantasy. But of course an exaggerated fear of dreadful penalties for minor transgressions is not psychologically very helpful.
Another way is the way of repression. This is of course not a conscious process. It is a form of successful self deception, as a result of which we are not consciously aware of a thing. Repression, as ought to be better known than in fact seems to be the case, is by no means the same thing as voluntary “suppression.” Very few people in actual fact have really “transcended sex” — though quite a lot of people seem to think they have. They never connect their resultant psychological troubles with the root-cause — repressed sex. But it should be firmly stated that, if we can do it, suppression with awareness does little or no harm.
A great deal of sexual energy can, of course, be canalized or “sublimated” into other things: art, music, intense religious faith, and so on. People — especially but by no means only women — are well known in all religious groups who have done this with more or less success. And those who have attained the meditative absorptions known as the jhanas may find therein an emotional outlet which is superior to that of sex. All this is fine, and very much to the good. But even these things do not in themselves entirely solve the problem, at least in the ultimate sense.
It would seem then that, according to the Buddhadhamma at least, there is no getting around the fact that something radical must be done to deal with sexual desire. For the time being, however, I find that limited sexual activity to certain times and certain forms has helped to give me enough space to see a little more clearly and to understand that I don’t always have to be a slave to craving.
Cattāri Brahmavihārā 