Posted by: Michael | 04/23/2013

Hatred Begets Hatred

An issue at my sons school has come up recently where he and a few of his freinds are being hit and pushed by a clique of other little ones and it has had an impact on his behavior at home. He has been much more aggressive, less able to self-regulate and even pushed his little sister last night so things have gotten somewhat serious. Nonetheless, I have been fighting my knee-jerk reaction to sweep him up by the arm and get in his face to try to “correct” the issue because I truly feel that doing so would only vindicate the aggressive behavior he is experimenting with.

Besides doing all that we can by bringing the issue up with teachers and administrators at his school I feel the most important thing we can do as parents is to show him that conflict can be resolved and confronted with a calm heart and cool head. If we fly off the handle and resort to harsh words and deeds we will only be contributing to the problem. It is a harrowing thing to raise kids but I have firm faith in the Dhamma and will do whatever is in my power to live as an expression and model of avihimsa for the sake of my son, my family and all beings.

Sabbe satta avera hontu!

Posted by: Michael | 04/22/2013

Repentance

One of the things that I have noticed more frequently than anything else while trying to actively serve my family and everyone else I come across is just how often I fail. I have often reacted to failure strongly and with a sense of self-loathing and harsh judgement which, in retrospect, did little to advance my practice and, I am sure, was detrimental to it in at least a few cases. Still, since practicing with the heart is (in my own experience) more a matter of nuance and subtlety, it may be best not to throw the baby out with the bath water.

As such, I have found that repenting for any failures and errors I may have committed by simply mentally reciting a variation on the traditional phrase has given me the peace of mind I needed to continue. What’s more, when I offer myself forgiveness and seek repentance I am able to more clearly see the wrong I have committed and can reflect on it more objectively than would have been possible if I were trying to push it out of awareness.

It is strange that there seems to be so little emphasis on repentance in the Anglo-American insight tradition but it makes complete sense given the religious milieu from which many converts come. It is hard to understand contrition when there is no Father in Heaven to forgive us our sins and it may only be that repentance is possible when we have melted our hearts enough to know that we, as much as anyone else, deserve our own love and affection. For me, personally, I think I have reached a place me where I can acknowledge my shortcomings, repent of them and learn from them.

May all beings learn to act in accord with their own true welfare!

Posted by: Michael | 04/21/2013

No Regrets

I have, thankfully, held firm to my resolve to be of service to my family and anyone else I happen to encounter and am already reaping many rewards from doing so. This is not to say that it is not hard because it certainly is difficult to let go of one’s attachment to comfort and to doing whatever it is one’s preferences dictate in the moment but I also feel there is a tremendous amount of freedom in practicing this way because it asks me to really look closely at y motivation and intention before doing something.

Whereas before I would escape to the computer to do work and then sped half of the time checking this or that site of interest I am now checking in constantly to see if what I am doing is truly in the service of my family whose time I am impinging upon. When I am totally focused on working because I need to be in order to successfully complete my tasks and thereby support my family and coworkers I feel no guilt and when I’m not I simply need to stop as I am no longer helping anyone (including myself). Similarly, even in situations where I find myself doing something that will garner criticism so long as I know I  am doing it with the intention to do no harm and to serve then I am able to be equanimous about the reaction I receive in a way I have always found difficult before.

The greatest reward I have yet encountered with this practice as difficult as it can be is that I can reflect on my behavior and see it as an expression of metta. Often I find myself having to bite my tongue or submit to things that otherwise rankle me in service of my aditthana and although the fire beings white hot, if I give it time, it quickly burns out. I am then left with no regret and can cultivate joy based upon my restraint.

Anyway, I apologize if I’ve rambled or been a little too inarticulate but my daughter is napping and I wanted to get this out before she awoke.

May our actions be expressions of metta and our lives be dedicated to freedom!

 

Posted by: Michael | 04/20/2013

Being of Service, Unstintingly

Something I am playing with in te last few days is the idea of being of service to those around me and doing so as unstintingly as possible. It is truly absurd just how difficult it is though and it seems that there is an inverse correlation between the degree of intimacy I share with someone and the ease with which I am able to offer my time and energy to them.

Take family life for example: I often find myself engaged in keeping a mental tally of what I have done during a given day versus that which my wife has done and when I feel that things aren’t squaring up I imagine that am being taken advantage of I begin to get resentful. If I’m not careful with this powder keg it will eventually blow and result in a nasty remark or a heated exchange. Why is it so hard to offer myhelp and time to the person with whom I am sharing my life and raising children? Why the pettiness? I have no answers but I feel I will need to keep dropping these questions into the well and listening for what comes back.

I have, I am sure, mentioned this before and have always been afraid or intimidated by the prospect of offering myself up in service to the beings in my life because that would surely include my wife, family and close co-workers–people of whom I often find myself resentful when they impinge upon my time and energy. Still, if I am truly committed to opening my heart and living this upasaka life in a way that will bear fruit and keep me firmly on the path I simpluy cannot allow so much aversion and avarice to fester in my home and, most importantly, in my heart. From today I make the aditthana to be  unstinting in my generosity and service to all beings in my life but especially to those closest to me.

May we all meet with spiritual success and awaken to the Truth that ends all suffering!

 

Posted by: Michael | 04/19/2013

Confession of Faults

So yesterday began with the best of intentions but I was unable to keep to my aditthana let alone observe the uposatha and I have been suffering for it today. Truly I have let fly another arrow of dukkha by indulging in guilt and it has found its mark despite my best efforts. At least I can take comfort in the fact that I am mindful of the workings of the mind and am maling the effort to incline towards equanimity even if my kamma is such that I cannot abide in such equipoise.

I believe that this daily practice of written reflection has helped me to see just how much aversion there is in my heart because it wasn’t so long ago that I would have denied it. The
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Posted by: Michael | 04/18/2013

And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out…

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…and Happy Uposatha! It may seem strange to people that I choose to quote from the New Testament for the uposatha day post but for whatever reason, I often have this phrase running through my head and this is especially so now given my aditthana to restrain the senses and the fact that it’s an uposatha day. And, of course, because I have made it a point to make an effort to resist the kilesas they have decided to redouble their efforts to swamp me.

The fact that I find myself working in a cafe in South Slope BK surrounded by young artsy types and hipsters is definitely working counter to my efforts which is why such a heavy-handed expression has popped into mind. I have had to literally wrench my eyes away from people and have been having the hardest time trying to ignore the aversion and/or craving which arises from the conversations taking place around me.

Anyway, I won’t bore you all with the minutiae of my forays into samma vayamo but I really do want to thank all of you who have shared your practice with me in the past weeks through comments and messages. I do apologize if I haven’t responded to you but please know you are all in my heart and I consider you all brothers and sisters in the Dhamma.

May we all find freedom from suffering and enjoy true happiness!

Posted by: Michael | 04/17/2013

Aditthana: Not Fanning the Flames

This morning I spent some time revisiting my daily practice outline to reflect my renewed commitment and to realign my actual and ideal practice regimen. Much of of this consisted in firmly fixing times of day for particular meditation themes as well as the duration of each in order to cultivate deeper states of concentration capable of providing liberative insights. Granted, such a goal may be a tad out of reach at present but you have to start somewhere. A new addition to the daily practice outline are three determinations (aditthana) I have made which are long term goals realized in the course of daily practice. In short they are (1) not indulging in media or imagery which fans thhe flames of lust or (2) anger and not (3) eating after 8pm. All three of these aditthana really have nekkhama as their main thrust and aim but I feel the first of the trio will be the most challenging. so, what exactly do I mean by refraining from viewing or listening to media that will enflame the passions? Well, on the most course level it would be not intentionally seeking out erotic or pornographic materials. However, I also mean for this resolve to include an effort not to intenionally linger upon pretty faces and attractive physiques whether they be in vivo, in an ad or on represented by means of audio-visual media. Luckily, and quite economically, all of the above applies to the 2nd aseveration as well so there’s no need to go into any further detail. May we all strive to overcome the flood of delusion and sensuality!

Posted by: Michael | 04/16/2013

May I Be Healthy and Strong

I have now been able to feel my way, however superficially, into abyapajjo homi and have now moved onto the next phrase, anigho homi. I have decided to understand the metta phrase to as sitting somewhere between “May I be free from outer harm” and “May I be free from physical suffering” as most of the translations available seem to interpret it as on or the other. Not being content only with the via negativa as I find much harder to feel into the absence of things, I also played with truning the phrase on its head and expressing it postively as “May I be healthy and strong. May I be free of sickness and injury.”

It sounds almost ridiculous now as I put it into words but there was a definite resistance in the mind when I came to this recollection. This resistance became even more marked and pronounced when I formulated the recitation in positive terms. Pondering it now it almost feels as though I were afraid of setting myself up for disappointment by wishing for security and health in the physical world. This fear was also accompanied by a sense that wishing for physical safety and security was somehow below me and that the body was more or less a contemptible appendage to the mind. Silly but true.

I hope that, as the practice flowers and bears fruit, it will help to uncover more of these insights about the way I view myself and others. I see now why Ven. Thanissaro views metta bhavana as an insight practice.

May we all take care of ourselves with gentle kindness!

Posted by: Michael | 04/15/2013

Renewal

I decided in the last few days to take up the practice of sitting for a short, fifteen minute session before getting online and checking my work emails, etc. I have once before experimented with the practice of moving straight from my bed to the cushion but eventually gave it up because I fcelt I was engraining the bad habit of slack effort and slothful meditation. This morning I simply decided to brujsh mmy teeth and start the coffee brewing first and found the exercise to be well worth it.

I think the key to the usefulness of this practice is simply that I get to familiarize myself with the mind before I become too wrapped up in the concerns of work and quotidian life. It is this aspect that I find most appealing because when my mind is not being overrun by sloth and toropor it is work-related restlessness which represents the biggest hindrance to my formal meditation.

So, along with undertaking this practice there are a few other aditthana that I wish to make today. I think I will be updating my daily practice outline shortly to give them more force and I will be sure to post on the additions and modifications when I do.

May we all obtain true happiness through our efforts!

Posted by: Michael | 04/14/2013

Sleepy Metta

This morning I decided to sleep in, knowing full well that if I did so I would be losing my opportunity to meditate for more than a quarter of hour in anything resembling peace. Like it or not, this is the daily dilemma I face (and it is only exaggerated on the weekends): sleep more than five or six hours but sacrifice my meditation time or sacrifice sleep and meditate more. Most of the time I am happy to forego the extra sleep but there is some kind of weekend conditioning that makes it difficult to keep it consistent on Saturday and Sunday mornings.

So, knowing this, I decided to recite metta phrases to myself while I was in the half-waking state. Interestingly enough, niddukkho homi and sukhito homi actually had the effect of softening my mood, something for which I was tremendously grateful. You see, when I indulge in sleep on the weekends, I often feel a sense of resentment and negativity about the whole affair. I know it’s silly and shameful but it is something I have been allowing to happen for years and to which I need to put a stop. My sleepy metta recitation actually seemed to be a form of Right Effort in that I was doing it to prevent the arising of unwholesome states. I’ll be the first to admit that it wasn’t completely effective and I have had my moments of grumpiness but I feel that I’m inclining in the right direction.

May we all strive to cultivate the skillful and to prevent the arising of unskillful states!

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