Perhaps it’s the normal ebb and flow of life or maybe something more i afoot but I am continually finding myself in conflict with my spouse. More often than not, this manifests as her voicing her displeasure with most everything I do (a common pattern I hear in marriages) so there’s nothing particularly unique or extraordinary about it. Still, I find it completely knocks me off balance and, unless I redress the situation internally by means of meditation or quiet reflection, it can have a horrifying impact on my mood and behavior for the rest of the day.
As I said, I’m not completely sure of the reason(s) for the increase in conflict although I do know my tolerance for it has substantially lessened of late and I am noticing that I more quickly incline towards annoyance and irritation both at home and at work. During an argument this morning with my wife wherein I suggested that she get up earlier with me on days when we have a dozen things too do before the kids can be shuttled off to their various activities she took issue with my needing to meditate as part of my preparation for the day ahead. Normally I meditate before anyone is awake precisely to avoid this kind of attack but I stod my ground and stated that meditating helps me to avoid being reactive in situations just such as the one we found ourselves in.
And yet, I had always found it impossible to reconcile the cool, calm collectedness of mind I presumed was necessary to make mediation possible with the heat and chaos created by familial discord. So, as I articulated the fact that meditation is what helps me, helps allof us to remain kind and clear during hardship I realized that I had a duty to cultivate a loving and forgiving heart especially in those times when hatred and discord prevail. Granted, I will need to wait for the right opportunity to begin meditating on forgiveness or anatta or whatever seems to be the best way to affront the situation but I don’t and cannot just wait for the waves to calm before meditating.
Cattāri Brahmavihārā 