Cattāri Brahmavihārā

For some strange reason I was racked by fear and anxiety all week over the prospect of sparring tonight. It was so bad that I almost didn’t show up. But, and this was an important point, I know that if I let my fear get the better of me it would only get worse. So, I just put my heart down and resolved to make it to the gym. I stopped catastrophizing and just walked. When I got to the gym I changed, wrapped my skinned feet (foot dragging during BJJ will do that) and started warming up. And, as to be expected, fear is a liar.

Initially, when I began to realize I had developed a fear of sparring I was surprised and taken aback. Isn’t this what I signed up for? Isn’t this what I wanted to do? But, as if the case with we putthujjana, I must have forgotten that all conditioned things are subject to anicca, dukkha and are not self.

Like it or not, fear would arise if the conditions were right regardless of how I felt about it. The important thing was that I didn’t yield to it. And, for that, I am pleased.