Cattāri Brahmavihārā

Today was my wife’s birthday. I don’t speak about her much anymore as there’s not a lot of change to report nor would it be uplifting or inspiring to do so. I have created heavy kamma with her in this life and I must have done the same in past ones as well because I can’t make sense of the hatred that never seems to lessen. Unless I am the least perceptive person ever to have been born (which is, I suppose, a distinct possibility) I can’t fathom how I do anything to deserve the unending scorn of this person.

Today for example I wished her happy birthday on multiple occasions (even when her first words to me were an insult), bought her a birthday cupcake and bagels to make the cake I had ordered an even bigger surprise. No thank you. No gracious acceptance. Instead, she complained that I only thought of myself on her birthday. So, after I had arranged a video call with her family I gave up. I went downstairs and wished her a happy birthday.

And, now, despite quarantine she and my kids have gone to a beach to celebrate. What am I looking for but writing this? I’m not sure but it is much harder to find balance within these four walls than it normally would be. This is my kamma however and to expect otherwise is foolish.

What I have to do is learn to be content with doing my best to practice Right Resolve in every situation. And when Blake or praise come my way I can see them as inconstant and just let go.