Posted by: Upāsaka | 10/23/2019

Dogged

I’ve been dogged lately by a persistent feeling that I’m not doing enough to help others or to pursue the Path. In so many ways I feel as if I’m just doing the bare minimum to survive and provide for those who depend on me. Paradoxically, I don’t feel like I have much time to do anything more. In fact, I believe I’m going to give up on trying to complete Crisis Counselor training simply because I can’t seem to make time for it. Between my hour long morning meditation and my conditioning regimen I only have time left to prepare the kids and take them to school in the morning. There’s no time for anything else.

These thoughts have been disturbing me so much that they have even begun to intrude during my meditation. And, on this case at least, that may not have been such a bad thing. As I say there I realized that one thing I could do to make my life more useful in every given minute would be to radiate mettā actively or at least regard all beings with it when otherwise engaged. Whereas before I was most often practicing tonglen in the moment, I have taken Ajahn Achalo’s advice and switched to mettā as I have yet the wisdom or tranquility to practice such a demanding discipline without harming myself and others.

We shall see if mettā helps assuage these feelings of inadequacy but at least I can take comfort that my time is being well-spent.


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