Posted by: Upāsaka | 10/20/2019

Necessary Cruelty?

I have been giving a lot of thought about how to act in my present situation. It seems that my wife is determined to divorce despite all of the reasons we shouldn’t. As a result, I’m trying to feel my way out.

I’ve promised her half of everything in the accounts and almost all of our belongings. In addition, I told her to come up with an agreement laying out the distribution of assets and the schedule for shared custody.

I haven’t been cruel or spoken harshly and am doing my best not to but it has come to a point where I feel her expectations are out of line with reality. In other words, she still expects to be treated sweetly and with the utmost deference when she has never given me such care and after having decided to abandon the marriage. For me, this is a bridge too far.

Here is a text I will send her since I can’t talk to her without her beginning to scream.

I just want to clarify something: this morning when you came home I didn’t say anything to you for a reason. Now that you’ve chosen this path of divorce I need to break the ties of affection as they’re no longer useful and keep me bound to a pattern of behavior which no longer has a referent. I do find it interesting, however, that you would take offense to a behavior that you have, yourself, undertaken for years. Can you remember the last time you greeted me (let alone warmly) when I returned home from work? I can’t but I can see I’m my mind’s eye the countless times I received a sour reception.

Regardless, I’m going to be much more distant not out of cruelty but to retrain myself: you see, I haven’t fallen out of love with you so I need to fake the distance that your disdain and contempt for me naturally create. I hope that gives you some context.


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