Cattāri Brahmavihārā

Things have gone from bad to worse, in a sense with my wife. There are no interactions with her that are pleasant or easy. When she was still away with the kids I told her after a particularly nasty episode that I intended to interact with her as little as possible when she returned. She certainly took this to heart has been basically giving me the could shoulder in between bouts of explosive criticism.

But, what did I expect? I told her I wanted limited contact and she has given me that. And, yet, I’m still unhappy? Clearly this is a failing on my part, not hers. I still somehow believe that my happiness depends upon someone else doing what I want. How foolish of me but such a hard habit to break.

I almost put myself in a bad position today and this is why: she likes to throw myself out. I mean, literally out of the apartment and into the hall when it’s not in a place she wants it. My daughter had brought my yoga mat upstairs and left it in the living room. My wife asked me why it was there and I replied I didn’t know. Next thing I know she’s throwing it out the door with my duffel bag full of my kickboxing stuff. I told her (this is where my stupidity begins) that I would throw her laptop out.

I went and got my things and walked back  in the house. She was attempting to block me but my body language was such that I must of intimidated her because she started saying that I was going to assault her or some such silliness.

Next time I’ll buy my peace with whatever she throws out the door and calmly get it back. No threats of reciprocation. No reaction. Almost every day I recite the ten paramis in Pali and yet I throw my patience out the door at the first opportunity to practice. Yes. It is difficult. No. I don’t believe I would have chosen this but how else would I get a chance to practice? What normal person what throw your things out of a place because they didn’t like where it had been placed? If this happened in an office or school they would be fired. So, I really do have a precious and uncommon opportunity.