Cattāri Brahmavihārā

If I’m truly serious them why have I not put it all in the line? I have the makings of ruin or reward in my agamic marriage so why not take the plunge into full brahmacariya? I had toyed with the idea that somehow things would or could return to something resembling normal at some later point but I realize that I’m waiting for a future that may never come. And, besides, what am I putting off and giving up in exchange?

Yes, I still have sexual urges but as my determination has increased I see that, in this life at least, there is no real possibility for it any longer. The one person who I chose to be my wife and the mother of my children wants nothing to do with me and it’s had become a marriage of convenience and necessity for herself and the kids. So, how would I rather spend my next sixteen years (presuming I don’t die or she doesn’t first)?

I can aver that I don’t want to spend it fantasizing about sex and attending solely to my own base pleasures. No, I refuse to waste another day of this life. May I offer this renunciation as a gift to all beings that I may become a better vessel to carry the Dhamma fourth in this and all future lives.