Cattāri Brahmavihārā

I am beginning to see that, regardless of how much I want to turn every aspect of my life into parami practice, there are just some places where I’m not yet ready to go and things I’m not yet able to do. In particular, I’m not able to continue sacrificing my own wellbeing for a person who gives nothing back to me. In other words, I’m not going to continuously subject myself to another person’s schedule and demands at the detriment of my own long term benefit.

No, I’m not talking about taking weekend cruises up the Hudson or flights to Cali for long weekends. I’m talking about taking every few weekends for retreat. It is clear that my wife has no intention of ever returning to our marriage (a point I should have realized long ago) so why am I sacrificing all of my time so she can study? Just as she cannot bear to show affection or touch me I cannot bear the uncertainty and amorphous nature of our relationship. So, I let her know that there are certain things I just won’t do with her anymore (family trips, vacations, etc) and that there will be other boundaries to come so they I don’t get confused and can learn to disentangle myself from my affection for her.

It surprised me how much and how deeply being rebuffed stung but it is what I needed to bring it home. This is where it is at. I resolved not to be cruel or punish her last night but it was a pitched battle with my kilesas. At least I know what is right even if I’m not always able to do it.