Cattāri Brahmavihārā

Yesterday I told my wife that, as far as I was concerned, our marriage is over although I would stick it out for the next sixteen years until our youngest turns eighteen.

Initially she retorted that she had come to the same place years before but all day long today she has been alternating between belittling me and throwing my practice in my face. How can I be a Buddhist when I’m so unkind she asks. Or she’ll tell me how much work I’ve got to do. Well, on the first count she’s wrong but on the second she’s quite clearly right.

It’s interesting trying to negotiate this new arrangement but I’m done pretending I’m in a loving relationship. It’s abusive and I now have to formulate some healthy boundaries. As bad and contrary to popular wisdom this may sound I think a big part of this is refusing to talk as nauseam about this fiction called “us?” And why is that? Because even after years of counseling nothing has changed. What would need to change is anterior to speaking and that just doesn’t seem to be in the cards.

In real life, what this will look like from the outside won’t be drastically different from what it is now. I won’t be sleeping in the same room (which is something that I’ve been doing for months anyway) and I intend to swear off any attempts at physical intimacy with her or any other woman ever again. I think a big sticking point for her will be when I refuse to go on family vacations but we shall see.

Maybe she’ll decide that divorce is the best course; I can’t stop her but there’s not much else to lose. I can live anywhere and don’t care about travel but she does and the kids’ standard of living certainly stands to suffer. I feel as if I’m being selfish but I need a way to psychologically disconnect from the constant criticism and invective. Maybe I am failing as a father. Maybe I am a hopeless Buddhist but I certainly don’t need someone’s contempt to help me see the light.