Cattāri Brahmavihārā

It’s been awhile since I’ve done this but I completely missed the Uposatha observance yesterday. Talk about a global lapse of mindfulness. Anyway, as the title of today’s post implies, I’ve been feeling sorry for myself because of an apparent slight.

You see, I’ve been a board member of an organization and my responsibilities have been to update the site and manage communications. With the changing of the guard, a new commissioner and a new platform a number of things changed and I’ve been finding myself increasingly out of the loop. Really though, I have only myself to blame: I have never been able to make it to board meetings and my remote style doesn’t seem to work with with the new commissioner. So, why is it that I feel so hurt about it? Obviously, I’m holding onto ideas about being liked, being seen as competent and responsible. Once again, I’m mooring my well being to the vicissitudes of life so it’s best to purify my intentions and act accordingly while unbinding myself from praise and blame.

It seems too that there is a thread of wanting to be accepted and to feel a part of something that’s causing some pain. I assume this because thoughts about my aunts and cousin ignoring my texts keep arising along with the thoughts about the board. Really, though, this is no different from wanting to be praised and not blamed.

May I purify my intentions and conduct while fire bearing that which I have too little wisdom to dispel.