Posted by: Upāsaka | 12/04/2015

The Taint of Ill Will

For days now my wife has been having a hard time dealing with the impending loss of our cat. For whatever reason I am not experiencing the same depths of suffering but I have been trying my best to do whatever is needed to give her space and time to deal.

And yet there is still this feeling of mounting irritation and ill will that I don’t quite understand. Yes, some of it has to do with the extra burdens I am taking on to make this space but it feels like much of it is baseless. Sitting on meditation I get glimpses of this heat and agitation in the center of my chest that sends to be anxiously awaiting an opportunity to strike out. And, to make matters worse, the moment I do or say anything to my wife that seems to be lacking in compassion she calls me or and asks what I practice for.  Why do I meditate do much if I am still such a hateful person?

I honestly don’t have much to say except that is exactly why I practice: to overcome the anger, hatred and ill will. I can at least see the senseless seething aversion clearly enough to know that I don’t need or want to follow those impulses, regardless hour strong they are or how painful it is. 

May I be free of anger.
May I be free from irritation and ill will.
May I be free from the taint of aversion.


Responses

  1. Good for you, for “seeing” it… so many people don’t and act out blindly as a result. Blessings!

    • Thank you for the encouragement.


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