Cattāri Brahmavihārā

This morning, despite the fact that my affairs are still in disarray and that my mind is listing towards negativity, I sat in meditation for around forty minutes. I began with the brahmaviharas for myself and then moved to anapanasati. I was interesting to note that I was holding onto to each moment of experience with what felt like a death-grip in my chest area (if that makes any sense). I really felt a fear that I would slip away into oblivion if I relaxed the hold on whatever I was experiencing and was so pronounced that I actually had to switch from internally repeating “let it go” to “acceptance.” Most of the sit was like this; a constant exploration of the tension and patterns of holding but it was worth it, if only to bring awareness to the body’s response to anxiety.

I don’t know if my daily life will get better anytime soon but I trust that my life will not be wasted and can only be bettered by my practice. May I not allow fear and worry to rob me of the Dhamma and may I accept my fortunes as the result of my own kamma.