Posted by: Upāsaka Subhavi | 11/05/2013

A Resolve

This morning while I was still relatively fresh I entertained the thought that, come what may, I should try an experiment where I keep to my practice commitments in terms of formal meditation for a month. In this way I imagined I might be able say in a definitive way if pushing myself this way was beneficial or if I should take a gentler approach. Obviously I am in a different headspace now than I was at 9:30 this morning and despite my initial negative reaction to the thought I am once more considering it.

What does this mean, exactly? Well, in short, I was able to do 10 minutes of walking meditation and roughly 20 minutes of anapanasati before my daughter burst through the bedroom door and crawled onto my lap. That leaves me with 15 minutes of anapanasati, 10 of silent illumination/shikantaza and at least 15 minutes of brahmavihara practice. That’s 40 minutes of meditation with a swimming head and a confused and clouded heart. So, now that I know the balance do I still think it’s a good idea? It may not be but, really, what else is this life for? And what will be lost should I fail? What could be gained if I succeed? What troubles me is the thought that I may sit but will allow myself to be overcome by sleepiness and decide after a few minutes to hang it up. Therefore, I may the resolve that, for tonight at least, I will not allow myself to sleep in the bed or on the floor with blankets or a pillow until I have sat for the remaining time. Crazy? Yes, a little I think but I’m interested in seeing how this plays out.

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