Cattāri Brahmavihārā

I’m not quite sure how it was that I managed to keep my butt on the cushion today because the mind wanted to be anywhere but with the breath. I was lost in fantasy and various and sundry thoughts about daily life for stretches of what seemed to be five minutes at a time. I think the best way to describe it would be to compare to struggling to keep one’s head above water while being constantly smashed under by the waves. In all of this I was saved only by the realization that I needed to fabricate compassion for myself each and every time I managed to come up for air because in the past I would have simply heaped on more aversion and self-hatred for not being a good meditator. I know I’ve said this before but it really does strike me that I never realized in a non-discursive way the value and meaning of metta or karuna. Quite simply this practice of anapanasati cannot be done without a mind grounded in love and compassion. For these difficulties, then, I am grateful because without them I never would have learned the true meaning of these things.