Cattāri Brahmavihārā

It’s a cold, winter’s day and I must admit that I didn’t want to get out of bed and start my day long before the sun rose over the highrises and filtered down to my ground floor windows. I was able to to allow myself a second, short sit right before noon (perhaps in the spirit of a birthday gift to myself) and was surprised to find a ball of self-loathing coldly planted in the center of my chest much like it was yesterday. I don’t know why I was surprised but it does astound me that I’ve really never made much of it before.

For years I have perfunctorily begun my metta practice with myself because that’s just the way it’s done. I have always kind of begrudged myself this stage despite repeatedly reaping the benefits of it. Delusion is a strange and powerful master, however, and it was able to keep me in the dark for a long time. What I’m really beginning to see though is that self-loathing is very real and present just below the surface and when I take a moment to look at it I can feel it like a heavy and cold ball of steel dragging my heart and limbs down with it (it may not make sense but that’s how it feels).

Of course I couldn’t just sit there and leave the wound undressed lest it get infected and spread. So, after seeing it for what it was, I moved onto forgiveness and karuna eventually warming my heart until the feeling was almost imperceptible. As a result of this and the fact that I need to address my own aversion to myself I am thinking that I want to add a fifteen minute session that I devote tol metta and karuna for myself. I hope that doing so will allow my heart to open more widely not just to me but to all beings. May we all find true peace in our own hearts.