Cattāri Brahmavihārā

Posted by: Michael | 12/19/2013

Desperation and Defilements

I find myself toda not solely in thrall of the defilements as a result of my lack of energy but, perhaps even more so, as a consequence of allowing doubt and desperation to spread and take hold. What, precisely, is in doubt? Fortunately my faith in the Tisarana remains unshaken but my confidence in my own practice is failing. Sometimes it can seem as though I am going through so many motions without any of the things I do having any impact. Chant this, reflect on that, mediate on this other thing for ten, fifteen, thrity minutes and it feels like I’m just treading water in order to keep from drowning.

In so many ways this is to be expected given the nature of life. Anicca. Nothing remains the same but this is the first time since I took up the practice in earnest that I have yet felt this.

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Posted in Anicca, Buddha, Buddhism, Daily Practice, Dhamma, Parenting, Practice at Work, Theravada | Tags: anicca, defilement, desperation, doubt, Tisarana

Posted by: Michael | 12/18/2013

Aiming Lower

I don’t know quite what has happened but it feels as if I have hit a wall with regard to the amount of energy I can put into formal practice. I honestly think that external circumstances are just too difficult to be able to effectively cultivate a rigorous conncentraction practice despite my feeling that there should never be an excuse not to practice, especially when the going gets rough. So, what I am doing then?

Well, when I pause to consider it, it isn’t so much that I am giving up my practice but modifying it to accord with the conditions in which I find myself. Yes, I feel that it is in some ways a cop out but holding myself to a fierce regimen that actually causes more tension isn’t helpful, is it? Despite appearances to the contrary that isn’t a rhetorical question. I just don’t honestly know if it is wise to force the issue and slog through it or if I should pull back a little and aim slightly lower. Today, for example, I woke up late because my daughter had a fever of 103 degrees last night and we spent a few hours ministering to her to get her fever down. So, rather than force a half hour of formal meditation on myself I decided to do a ten minute sitting of shikantaza. I was glad for it as I felt more settled and composed afterwards and would have gladly sat another ten minutes were there time. Just pondering it has given me an intimation of how I might better approach the issue.

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Posted in Buddha, Buddhism, Daily Practice, Dhamma, Formal Meditation, Parenting, Practice at Work, Theravada | Tags: daily life, formal meditation, shikantaza, sitting

Posted by: Michael | 12/18/2013

Not as Planned

Today was one of those days where nothing went as planned.My wife had a birth call at quarter to 4 in the morning which left me in charge of a sick little girl wanting hher mommy and my son, both of whom needed to sleep. Somehow I calmed the little one back to bed but my morning regimen was completely destroyed. As a result I have the feeling of being lost at sea with next to no mindfulness and little desire to practice. On my way up from the office to the train station through block after block of cold industrial waste land I tried to return to the cultivation of metta but was met with a heart as icy andd hardpacked as the unshoveled sidewalks below my feet.

I began to search in my mind through the various ways to brighten my mind and warm my heart and I was fortunate enough to recollect the Lord Buddha. Just thinking of him and what he did for all beings and the possibility he represents for each of us was enough to rekindle in me a fire to practice and to continue walking the path. It is funny how we can forget such a basic thing as refuge in the Tathagatha but I obviously did.

Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa.

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Posted in Buddha, Buddhism, Dhamma, Theravada, Tisarana | Tags: Buddha, Buddhanussati, refuge, triple gem

Posted by: Michael | 12/16/2013

Ready or Not

Perhaps unsurprisingly I got my first opportunity to cultivate paramis since my last post (which I tried unsuccessfully to upload last night) and I nearly blew it.

You see my wife let me know that I would need to pick my son up from school today (whereas I normally drop him and my daughter off) because of a doctor’s appointment my daughter had. Despite her claims of malfeasance I assumed that this meant she would be taking them in since if I were to do both I would have something like 4 hours to work. Turns out I was wrong in making that assumption. It was doubly disappointing to be met with so much rancor and acrimony as I attempted to gingerly rouse them from sleep because I had done my level best to prepare everything and put it in good order so she would have as easy a time getting out the door as possible. Lunches made, breakfasts ready, contacts in and BAM! world war three threatened to ruin the mornings of thousands of residents in the East Village.

Call it training, luck or serendipity but I was able to remain more or less like a log and weather the storm. Still, none of it feels good. I dislike feeling that I have disappointed them, that I have tried to “get one over” or get away with something (these last two were accusations leveled at me as I was walking out the door. And I know I have a part in this and that in a real sense this is all my doing as it is all my kamma. So rather than seeking to shift blame and bemoan my fate I should equanimously take responsibility for the situation, accept my culpability, forgive all involved (not forgetting myself) and move on. The mistake was honest on my part and, had it been out in the open I would have still pursued this division of responsibilities so there need be no shame there.

As imperfect and messy as life with others is I can at least take comfort in the fact that I didn’t exacerbate the situation and was able to learn some small thing from it. May we all free ourselves from suffering by accepting ultimate responsibility for our thoughts, words and deeds.

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Posted in Buddha, Buddhism, Daily Practice, Dhamma, Forgiveness, Karuna, Khanti, Metta, Parenting, Practice at Work, Theravada | Tags: daily life practice, kamma, parami, patience

Posted by: Michael | 12/16/2013

Training Grounds

Even upon an entirely superficial pondering of the homelife it seems the perfect training ground for the paramis. Being a husband and a father offers one an almost endless number of opportunities to practice self-sacrifice, generosity, patience and restraint. Why, then, do I meet most of these precious opportunities with so much resistance and resentment? What is it that I really want and find important in life? Comfort and forgetfulness? Have I really committed myself to the path of liberation for myself and others or am I yet playinng at it? Is the Dhamma to remain a hobby, something I do when I’m not at work or will I devote my life to it? May I choose wisely.

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Posted in Buddha, Buddhism, Daily Practice, Dhamma, Nekkhama, Parenting, Practice at Work, Theravada | Tags: daily life, Dhamma, practice

Posted by: Michael | 12/15/2013

A Battle

Despite many a teacher’s advice to the contrary it certainly seems that, at times, it can truly be a struggle or even. A full scale battle to practice in the context of daily life. Today would have been the last day of the online retreat but since my feet hit the floor it has been non-stop busyness. I don’t know if this is a complaint, an observation or a resolve to do better but it is clear that if I allow myself to go with the flow my practice and my very life will end up circling the toilet bowl. So, excuse the martial metaphor, but when the shoe fits…

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Posted in Buddha, Buddhism, Daily Practice, Dhamma, Theravada | Tags: aditthana, daily practice

Posted by: Michael | 12/12/2013

Tough Enough

This last week as I have been trying to meet the practice commitments of the online retreat I’m doing I am beginning to wonder how ready I would be to commit to the monastic life were my life circumstances to change drastically and suddenly. If I am tired and do not have the energy now for a total of an hour and fifteen minutes of formal practice now how would I fare with a schedule completely full of formal practice?

But, before we go any further down that road it must be admitted that a lot of my fatigue is a result of householder responsibilities so, in their absence, I imagine I would have more energy to apply but there is the fact that there are no distractions which is still an unknown for me. I can say that on some uposatha days I am fine and on others it is a struggle not to look to sensual distraction as an escape. In fact, during this 9 day retreat the injunction to refrain from watchinh any entertainment, read the news or books has been too stringent for me to faithfully follow and I have read the occasional Dhamma book and even checked out some stories online.

So, am I tough enough for the practice? Is that even the right question? Somehow I don’t think it is the most skillful way to frame it but this is a path that is not easy and even if I am not yet ready I should always be inclining in the direction of letting go and of restraint.

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Posted in Buddha, Buddhism, Daily Practice, Dhamma, Formal Meditation, Nekkhama, Parenting, Practice at Work, Sensual Desire, Theravada | Tags: effort, exertion, householder, meditation, restraint

Posted by: Michael | 12/11/2013

An Unexpected Meeting

Walking to the train this morning I bumped into a friend with whom i’d gone to high school and hadn’t seen in at least seven years. The crazy thing is that we grew up over 600 miles away and yet still managed to walk into one another in Bklyn. Of course there was a moment of happiness as a result of our meeting but that soon changed into a kind of suffering that I am at pains to explain but seems to me to demand some kind of investigation.

The crux of it would seem to be the simple fact that in the almost 20 years since we were in high school together, so much has changed and we are surely not the same people we once were. She had two in tow and was expecting her third and I am a sober, Buddhist father of two: far cries from the messed up, drunken teenagers we once were. I see now that much of the dis-ease I feel about the situation has to do with my fear of explaining my life. And why? I don’t know but it almost seems as if I don’t want to tarnish what I imagine to be our memories of ourselves when we were young and, dare I say, cool.

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Posted in Dhamma | Tags: Bklyn, Buddhism, Centers and Groups by Region, High school, Organizations, Recreation, Religion and Spirituality, United States

Posted by: Michael | 12/10/2013

Happy Uposatha – Knowing Right from Wrong

Today’s observance got off to a bad start due to a escalating series of angry exchanges my wife and I had as we readied the kids to leave. In short, I was left to do the nightly routine the preceding night and do the lion’s share of the morning preparations because she was working late-all of which was completely fine. The problems began when my wife took note of a number of things that I had done “wrong.”
I will be the first to admit that, when it comes to childcraft, I am in need of remedial training but the way in which I was berated and upbraided for failure after failure struck me as particularly harsh and unwarranted. In the end, I allowed myself to give in to my anger and responded in kind, disappointing myself and making a mockery of my practice.

So, why am I even writing this? Do I want sympathy? Do I want to vent? No, the reason why I wanted to document this morning was to point out for myself not only the importance of restraint when confronted with harsh speech but to remind myself that, when the roles are reversed, such behavior is never justified. The fact that she was justified in her concerns about my failings has too often served (in my mind) as an excuse for her speech. But, the mind being the impressionable child that it is needs to know that such behavior is unacceptable regardless of the justification.

In short, we both acted badly today and I should strive to see clearly that unskillful behavior is unskilful regardless of who is doing it.

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Posted in Anatta, Buddha, Buddhism, Daily Practice, Dhamma, Parenting, Theravada | Tags: ager, kamma, unskillful

Posted by: Michael | 12/09/2013

Meditation in Daily Life

Part of the instructions of the online retreat I am undertaking are to keep the meditation going even when off the cushion. Putting aside the idea that this is what we are supoosed to be doing at all times anyway, I’m having a really difficult time doing this with the technique of metta bhavana we are supposed to be using for these eight days. Unlike the breath which doesn’t require much fabrication, generating a wish for my own or my spiritual friend’s well being and feeling the (allegedly) concommitant warmth just is not happening. Instead I am feeling stymied and stressed that it’s not happening. I am piling dukkha on top of dukkha. Only having written it down do I see the dilemma: I am overly focused on ends and have forgotten the means. In meditation the means really are, in so many ways, the goal.

Thank you to evryone who has wished me well and for indulging my daily ramblings which have proven to be of great use and benefit to my practice. If all anyone who reads this derives from it is a chance to practice khanti parami I hope it will serve to justify its existence.

Sabbe satta sukhita hontu.

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Posted in Buddha, Buddhism, Daily Practice, Dhamma, Dukkha, Formal Meditation, Khanti, Metta, Parenting, Practice at Work, Theravada | Tags: daily meditation, metta, mindfulness