Cattāri Brahmavihārā

This last week as I have been trying to meet the practice  commitments of the online retreat I’m doing I am beginning to wonder how ready I would be to commit to the monastic life were my life circumstances to change drastically and suddenly. If I am tired and do not have the energy now for a total of an hour and fifteen minutes of formal practice now how would I fare with a schedule completely full of formal practice?

But, before we go any further down that road it must be admitted that a lot of my fatigue is a result of householder responsibilities so, in their absence, I imagine I would have more energy to apply but there is the fact that there are no distractions which is still an unknown for me. I can say that on some uposatha days I am fine and on others it is a struggle not to look to sensual distraction as an escape. In fact, during this 9 day retreat the injunction to refrain from watchinh any entertainment, read the news or books has been too stringent for me to faithfully follow and I have read the occasional Dhamma book and even checked out some stories online.

So, am I tough enough for the practice? Is that even the right question? Somehow I don’t think it is the most skillful way to frame it but this is a path that is not easy and even if I am not yet ready I should always be inclining in the direction of letting go and of restraint.