A friend commented on this quote earlier today and said something to the effect that she at least hadn’t yet committed suicide. I think the implication was that, despite being a slave to her body, she has not yet debased herself enough to make that a possibility. Honestly, I’m not sure why it was said.
However, in need of a response, I replied that the corollary to Seneca’s pronouncement should be that we are equally unfree if we are slaves to our minds. In other words, if we unquestionably follow every thought and sentiment without first considering it’s goal and usefulness.
The Lord Buddha has said that the household life is limited and tied up with suffering and, the longer I live, the more I believe this to be true. One is necessarily engaged in a struggle of desires and wills at all times and rarely does it work out well. For a long time I tried the approach of sublimating my own preferences but I began to feel that exchanging my desires for those of my wife’s want entirely correct either. Perhaps I’m simply not patient and loving enough but I have decided that I will give equal time to our equally arbitrary preferences so that I will only go along with her desires half the time.
Today was one of those days and, predictably, it has gone poorly. She has basically started a fight with each of us separately and has now left the house. To make matters worse, she is preoccupied with a health condition that she thinks may actually be quite serious (we have no reason to believe that at present but you never know). This means she’s acting out of even deeper suffering and she’s not responding to my entreaties to come back home.
In situations like this I have to take stock of my actions and words to get my bearings because she is obviously inclined to blame me for the entire situation. I didn’t lie, speak harshly or abusively. I didn’t try to make her suffer, I simply expressed my desire not to go to the beach today. I didn’t tell her I didn’t want to spend time with her or the kids. As far as I can tell I didn’t do much that one would normally consider abusive but I have to admit that I have begun to question myself after hearing it repeated day in and day out.
Having put it all to paper, I find I’m in no better position and have no greater understanding. What I do know is that I would like her not to suffer but I don’t believe I have that in my power. Were I too do everything she wanted at all times then it might be possible to placate her but what kind of life is that? Sadly, I believe in the possibility of fixing relationships as much as I do in the possibility of a perfect society or political system: these things aren’t possible in samsāra. So, I will do my best to cultivate kindness and sympathy where’s appropriate and, when all else is lost, equanimity.
I keep asking myself why I have become so obsessed with learning martial arts at this point in my life. I don’t want to hurt people so that’s not it as far as I can tell. I do feel more confident that I can meet challenges simply because I have learned to push through pain as a result of the last two years of training but, if anything, I feel less certain about he ring into a physical altercation with anyone than I ever did before simply because anyone can be a martial artist. In a way, it’s similar to that Mahayana teaching that states everyone I’ve you meet is possibly a Buddha so you need to be careful how you treat them.
I feel that I’ll be coming back to this theme repeatedly as I try to navigate this skillfully. I also feel that it is important to come back to a regular practice of reflection through this blog to help center my thoughts and keep me in course. Too much externally focused activity seems to unbalanced the mind and God knows I need balance.
I hadn’t heard of Christopher Lasch before I stumbled across the quote above but his work seems to speak to the particular stage of devolution which we’re currently living through. When I step back and consider it, it seems awfully strange to have grown up believing that I was entitled to everything my heart desired without even having to work for it.
It may very well be that this is the nature of all unenlightened beings: to desire without limits or reason. But, I would imagine that past cultures and civilizations did a better job of disabusing their children of these dangerous delusions than we do today. Still, it is bound to get worse before it gets better so there’s no use in lamenting.
So, what is the point of this? I’m not quite sure, really. Given the narcissistic tendencies of all of us and the fact that our contemporary society propagates and sustain itself by feeding into these impulses I have no hope that things will improve in the short term. People are too selfish and self-concerned to act overlong for the benefit of another. Hell, we can’t even convince people to wear a mask on the off chance that you may not sicken a stranger. And yet, for all of my talk I realize that I’m infected by the same defilements.
During my morning run I saw, time and again, that I immediately judged everyone upon whom I laid my eyes. This one is fast. He’s stupid. He’s slow. She’s got a nice butt. It was truly disturbing but, rather than trying to push these things away, I wanted to watch as they came up, linger and then were replaced by the next impression. I know that it takes years, lifetimes of devoted practice to eventually see through one’s latent defilements but the speed and strength of the torrent is awesome and terrifying.
How can I expect better of others when I am struggling to simply keep my head above the flood waters? At best, I can see where my mind of going wrong and sell not to act on these impulses but it is a struggle against the currents.
How many of us can call ourselves truly human? How often are we the masters of our thoughts, words and deeds? The Lord Buddha has taught us that, if we want happiness in this life and the next, we must follow the Precepts as a minimum. How careful are we with our speech? Do we take only what is given? Are we willing to kill a mosquito or a tick? Do we intoxicate ourselves to escape from pain and ennui? Finally, are we faithful and harmless in our sexuality?
Are we worthy of these human bodies or are we animals, demons and hungry ghosts at heart?
It has been some time since I last wrote here but that didn’t mean I have given up the Dhamma and other contemplative practices. Rather, I have been dedicated to daily posts of Dhammapada verses as well as finding and posting teachings that I find inspiring from a variety of sources (truth be told they are usually Stoic or Classical philosophers).
And, although I may decide to repost those here as well (I primarily share those on my Instagram and Facebook pages), I feel that this blog is the only place where I feel comfortable sharing my own thoughts openly. FB and IG are spaces where one is often asked to defend one’s thoughts and opinions which is, of course, completely fine. However, it didn’t serve as well as a kind of discursive and contemplating workshop for that very reason.
So, what have I been up to? Well it’s currently Ramadan so I’m fasting out of respect for family tradition. I’m also doing the #75Hard challenge which requires me to workout twice a day for 45 minutes each (one outdoor session required), drink a gallon of water and a as free other things. It’s been great so far and has really helped me to strengthen my discipline and resolve. Concurrent with that I made the determination to log 100 Fitbit Active Zone Minutes everyday for a hundred days and I’m already halfway through.
I am still training Boxing, TKD, and Kickboxing weekly (2 days of boxing and kickboxing and one of TKD) and am hoping to add BJJ one or two days a week to finally add the grappling piece to my repertoire. I have definitely become a little obsessed but it is something I enjoy and keeps me in good shape.
In terms of intellectual pursuits, I’m taking an herbalism and foraging course to better prepare for any eventualities. It’s been great and not I can identify and gather a large amount of wild edibles here in NYC. In addition to that I have been studying Irish for the last three months and have made some good progress. Tá Gaeilge á foghlaim agam. It’s one of the most difficult languages I have studied but the connection I feel to it has kept me going.
Finally, I have been trying to maintain an hour of formal practice everyday. What this looks like is usually 20 Minutes of reciting Itipiso, 20 Minutes of buddho with the breath and 20 Minutes prone meditation (with buddho). In addition I try to do 108 prostrations to Lord Buddha daily.
So, that’s what’s been going on. I will attempt to be more disciplined about writing here from now on and will likely use my no posts to explore worries that strike me.
38. Wisdom never becomes perfect in one whose mind is not steadfast, who knows not the Good Teaching and whose faith wavers.
For those who are of unsteady mind, Who do not know true Dharma, And whose serenity wavers, Wisdom does not mature. (translated by Gil Frondsal)
Let’s acknowledge that this verse describes most of us, at least some of the time. Our minds are unsteady and our serenity wavers. The Buddha is describing the goal here, not something that is easily attainable by those of us engrossed in lay life. And yet, there are things we can do to steady our minds and establish more serenity, enabling our wisdom to flourish.
One of the first handicaps we encounter is that we don’t often notice when we’re craving. If our normal state is to be trying to get something or get rid of something, then we’re unlikely to recognize the impermanent nature of our desires, whether they are being fulfilled or frustrated.
Being contacted by painful feeling, [the uninstructed worldling] seeks delight in sensual pleasure. For what reason? Because the uninstructed worldling does not know of any escape from painful feeling other than sensual pleasure. (from SN 4.36, translated by Bhikkhu Bodhi)
This short section from the Saṃyutta Nikāya (Connected Discourses of the Buddha) suggests that there is another escape from painful feeling that is not simply seeking out pleasurable feelings. What could that be? We could start finding out by sincerely attempting to become an “instructed” worldling, that is, to learn more about the nature of human experience, at the ground level. We do that through observing the behavior of ourselves and others with an attitude of investigation (what are the causal relationships?), and through the discipline of daily meditation.
Our wisdom is also supported if we familiarize ourselves with some of the Buddha’s teachings. We might find that our attitude towards experience shifts from the me-centered world of getting and rejecting to a wider, more generous perspective. The true Dharma is the way it is, at every level, for all of us, for you, for me, for everyone. It’s not personal; it’s not about “me”; it is unfolding due to causes and conditions interacting in (sometimes) unfathomable ways.
If we want to find our way out of dukkha into wisdom, the only thing to do is to start and then continue.
Cattāri Brahmavihārā 