Cattāri Brahmavihārā

Yesterday I did something (or rather I didn’t do something) which would seem completely justified given the circumstances: I decided not to give my wife a card for Mother’s Day because of just how bad things had been between us. I still made sure my kids did so and wanted to ensure that she felt appreciated by them but I decided not to. Yes, she had let it be known that I wasn’t welcome to come visit her family with them. She had also spent the morning engaged in her usual and endless rounds of criticism but, despite all that, I was bothered by my own failure to do what I thought was right.

Yesterday really brought home the lesson that it is more important to follow one’s own inner guide rather than trying to rely on outward conventions and customs. When I let anger and hurt take the wheel I suffered for it greatly. All day, at home alone I was unable to find peace as a result of the remorse I felt. Trying to justify being unkind in retaliation didn’t help. The only thing that has assuaged the pain is accepting that it was wrong and deciding that I must do better in the future.

In sum, not only should I not look outside for approval but I should look inside for censure and follow the Dhamma as my guide.