Cattāri Brahmavihārā

Unfortunately, there is yet a limit to what I can bear and, this morning, my wife brought it to that point. She’s been increasingly negative and critical and the atmosphere in the house has become poisonous. In fact, last night, when I got home from work and wanted to break a twenty right hour fast she wouldn’t let me because she wanted to finish washing the dishes. Even when I offered she still said no. I gave in but it only got worse when my daughter asked me if she could have dessert and I, perhaps absent-mindedly, assented. Next thing I know I’m being shouted down for undermining her parenting while she relays as much to her sister in the phone.

Really, I can take all this but it’s nonstop. This morning she’s been critical and negative of everyone and everything all morning, even laying into me for wearing white on the uposatha. Taking cheap shots like “wearing white doesn’t make you good or holy, being nice does” et cetera. Yes, I agree completely; my clothes don’t do anything to make me a better person. Nonetheless, it’s a crappy thing to do.

I’ve been feeling increasingly run down since I’m always taking the responsibility for the kids when I’m not working so I just couldn’t hack it. She was berating me about something and I just said “Okay, I’m leaving. You can take the kids to the museum but I need a break from you.”

Naturally, I’m accused of being selfish but I just don’t see how I could have spent anymore time with her today and avoided saying something I would regret later. I’m not yet at a point where my patience is limitless and I have to recall that lest I get into real trouble.