Posted by: Upāsaka | 03/19/2019

Everything is Uncertain

How quickly things change. Last night, waiting on the platform for the train I get a call: is my wife and she’s crying, telling me how she can’t do this anymore and that she’s leaving. I’m not quite understanding at this point since she had texted me a few times throughout the day and everything seemed fine. She goes on: she can’t take our disrespectful kids, the stress of school and all of my problems and she’s going to leave, tonight. I tell her to wait until I get home.

In an instant my mind goes to how I’ll figure out childcare without her and other logistical issues but I keep reminding myself to be patient and calm and that there is no need to try to figure out all out now. In fact, I realized just how fluid the situation was so I stayed with buddho and metta.

I get home to a house full of crying kids and wife (the two year old was happily oblivious however) and take some time to listen to everyone. My wife is convinced that my anxiety is the problem so I have agreed to go see anyone she picks for the third time in our marriage. I have no faith in paying a stranger to talk about my problems but if it saves my kids and my wife from really bad decisions I’ll do it.

Who knows what today will bring but I’m pretty confident I won’t have been able to plan or prepare for it any better than by staying grounded in the present.

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