Cattāri Brahmavihārā

I woke up this morning feeling pretty shabby. For whatever reason I have been dogged by this perception that I haven’t been keeping my precepts purely enough. But when I inspect my actions it’s clear that I haven’t broken any.

I have not killed, harmed or maimed any living being. I have not taken what is not given. I have not cheated or committed sexual misconduct. I have not intentionally lied, spoken harshly or back-bitten. I have not taken intoxicants. But my thoughts are a different story.

Day and night I’m tortured by craving and were I to indulge them the fever would only worsen and the delirium deepen. Luckily, I have the benefit of the Dhamma and was able to listen to a guided breath and loving-kindness meditation by Ajahn Achalo this morning which help to right my heart before my wife woke up fully infuriated.

It’s time to move to on beyond my hurt and, since she’s insisting that I apologize to her for treating her badly as a condition for her to relent, I have now twice already. Unsurprisingly, that too is not enough. She requires that I state specifically what it is that I am sorry for. I guess me asking forgiveness for anything I have said or done to hurt her isn’t good enough. But, truly, this is enough. Let her do what she will but I’m now making it my priority to practice equanimity with regard to this situation.