Posted by: Upāsaka | 06/12/2018

A Mistake

Last night, for a moment, I lost control. It had been a long da o fasting and the kids were off of school but all of their extra-curricular activities were still on. So we were gong non-stop until 8:30PM. When we got home it was almost 9 and I had yet to break fast. My daughter was having a melt down, the baby had a fever and my son was in the bathroom forever. So, I broke fast alone.

Within a few minutes my wife comes upstairs berating me for treating my daughter badly, for being so selfish as to eat alone and any other grievances she may have had. I lost it. I threw my plate of rice into the sink where it broke and retreated to another room with her screaming at me to get out. That I was a monster. That I am a horrible human being.

Yes, I was wrong and no, there are no buts. I allowed my mind to be swayed by criticism and blame and the result was that I broke a plate and scared my kids. My wife, as she is wont to do, is talking about divorce again. I told her that it’s fine but she will need to figure it out and I don’t intend to go anywhere. With her in school, in need of my help all day long for at least one day each week and without any means of supporting herself I told her it’s not really a viable option. When she is on her feet financially I will give her half of everything I earn and she can make a go of it alone. Or, we could just be nice and civil and realize that raising a family isn’t fun or romantic.

Unfortunately, there’s no point in trying to talk it out though. For some time, whether alone or with counselors, she has been too fixated on dwelling on my faults to take effective action to get on with it. If I’m so bad then she should leave but I suspect that financial realities will keep her tethered here for a bit longer. In the interim, I’m not going to torture myself trying to “work it out” when there is nothing to work out except for a more detailed understanding of how deeply I am held in contempt.

May I guard my mind. May I not repeat this mistake. May I do better for the sake of my children and for my wife. May I dedicate the merit of my practice to all of them and may they find true happiness.


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