Cattāri Brahmavihārā

I failed to keep the uposatha precepts yesterday. Specifically I ate after noon (because I was feeling very strange and lightheaded but it didn’t help at all) and slept on a high bed. I again trashed store of my practice commitments this morning and realized, while walking to the train, how I was beginning to beat myself up. What I’m realizing right now though is that all of this preoccupation is simply edifying and reinforcing a sense of self. I am this. I am not that. But, none of that is ultimately true. What is true is that there were actions that were unskilfull and now they’re done. Gone. For me to continue to self-flagellate does nothing but increase misery and ahamkara.

I an thinking that the best antidote to dwelling on a depressive self is to turn the gaze outward. What can be done for others? How can I help someone else? In the mean time I will just notice the unpleasant sensations as they arise and try not to add a story to them.