Cattāri Brahmavihārā

44 When all the good I have done turns out badly,
It is the weapon of destructive karma returning upon me
For repaying others’ kindness with ingratitude;
From now on I will respectfully repay others’ kindness.

I’m learning a lot about gratitude, concern and kamma thanks to my marriage. One of the things that has consistently come up in our counseling sessions and discussions is the fact that I have acted insensitively in the past. I have forgotten Valentine’s Days and other occasions outright or have not made an effort that my wife thought was commensurate with the occasion. I like to think that I have been better at this in the past few years but that is a point of contention.

As a result, I made sure to make a big deal out if mother’s day this year. Flowers and chocolates were delivered. I had the kids make cards and gifts. I made breakfast and dinner and kept the kids out of her way all day. And her lack of response, her grudging acceptance really hurt. No hug. No kiss. Just a perfunctory thanks.

In that moment I wasn’t sure what to do so I had to take a minute to clear my head but I soon realized a few things:

1. This is the result of all of my insensitivity in this and past lives. This is my kamma.
2. Generosity and acts of care shouldn’t be about receiving thanks, they are sufficient on their own when done well.
3. My wife is giving me the gift of patience and forbearance and the opportunity to approach the suffering with wisdom.

So, rather than being resentful and determining never to make an occasion out of mother’s day and days like it again, I will take this as a deep lesson about dana parami.