Posted by: Upāsaka | 05/04/2015

Self-loathing

As much as I wince when I see the term “self-loathing” there is perhaps no better way to describe my current perception of my behavior and conventional self. Yes, I know there is no self on an intellectual level but, in my heart, I am yet a putthujana subject to the decisions of one who had not yet realized the truth. The point is simply that I need to make friends with myself all over again.

For reasons that I won’t get into, I have fallen away from my metta practice and have been going through the motions as far as breath practice is concerned. And the results in my daily life are pretty appalling. Fault finding, criticism, shapes of tongue and a general lack of patience seem to characterize my behavior and leave me feeling more remorseful and bitter than before. Yet, there is a way out and it is, for me at least, the brahmaviharas. So, last night I spent my evening session doing forgiveness negotiation for myself and then for others and the heart was just a little softer at the end.

Mary I practice rightly and remember that the Dhamma is meant to alleviate suffering, not cause it.


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