The dissonance between the ideals of non-harming and metta that I espouse and the reality of my speech, thoughts and deeds has often been on my mind lately. In fact I have been feeling like the worst of hypocrites and the most insincere of fakes because of it.
Funny that in this very thought, in this line of hinking there’s an obvious absence of care and concern for myself as well. It is clear that my mind has a tendency to lean towards the negative and it is equally clear that I need to take this time to see that if I hope to change.
The last year has been one of intense struggle, fear and failure and has shown the limits of what effort in the conditional realm can bring. Even after all of the work and long hours we are no closer to security; we are still not safe. Maybe it is because I miss my family but the more I work the less important it seems and the less willing I am to allow myself to make a big deal of it. A supplier sends $500 of the wrong film and refuses to take it back? Okay. My customer service staff had to be cut to one annd now she’s got to be out for a week? Well just deal with it. All of the imagined expectations and midnight catastrophes that I can dream up are just that: dreams. Why squander my life reacting like a brute ti them and setting myself up for a lower birth? May I carry this moment of clarity with me as a touchstone throughout the day and fogive myself when I inevitably let it slip from my hand as I slip into dream.
Cattāri Brahmavihārā 
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