Posted by: Upāsaka | 05/17/2014

Disappointment and Forgiveness

It seems that I go in cycles of building up my expectations of myself and then letting myself down by not being able to live up to my deals at all times. There is perhaps no area of my life where this is more evident or painful than in my practice of the Dhamma and I have, once again, let myself down. No. No precept was broken. No people or animals were actually harmed in the making of this kamma except for myself by my own hand. By my own mind.

Fortunately, over the years I have become well enough acquainted with the phenomenon to realize that what I needed to do was sit down and meditate on forgiveness for myself which is precisely hat I did. Feeling into the pain of disappointment and the tenderness in my heart that I am deserving of compassion and not punishment. After I finished my round of self-forgiveness my mind immediately turned to my son and the thoughts of my disappointment watching him play not quite as well as I thought he should ave this morning at soccer. I realized that I was treating him simply as an extension of myself and despite my best attempts not to let on I am sure he knew.

It is clear that compassion and wisdom need to be brought to bear on this tendency of mine to hold such high standards for myself and those I view as extensions of my ego lest I cause more suffering to all involved. Easily said but not so easily done.

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Responses

  1. Michael, When Bill saw Khalil, he said he played well but did not look like a pro. I don’t know about what a sportsman is like, but I even made you play baseball in Buffalo [just cause I thought boys HAVE to play sports!!]. We all push our children in the ways WE think they need–I rarely bought dresses for Marta [which pissed her off!]. You are a great daddy–you just need to relax!!!

    I had/have trouble relaxing too! Right now I’m trying to slow myself down and stop being in such a hurry. What’s the point, eh?

    ciao and ciao, da mu


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