This morning my wife awoke feeling sick. As the morning proceeded it became clear that she wanted me to take my son in to school even though I had not prepared to do so as I work from home on Thursdays. As much as it pains me to admit it I was irritated by the fact that she wasn’t able or willing to go as it would take two hours from my workday and require me to work on into the night but I was at least prescient enough to assent to go.
I can’t figure out just what disturbs me more about the situation. Yes, I am still annoyed at the interruption of my routine despite knowing better but what cuts deeper is the realization of how little I have changed and just how selfish I still am. As I quickly showered to get out the door I reflected on the fact that this cold could, in fact, be the cause of her death or the first signs of a serious sickness–thoughts which sobered me if only momentarily and helped me to carry on through irritation and resentment. I hate being such a jerk but it is so hard sometimes to really see that clearly. Yet, armed with the knowledge that irascibility and annoyance are never skilfull responses I can at least fight on through them even when blinded by aversion and delusion.
Avero homi. Sabbe satta avera hontu.
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Cattāri Brahmavihārā 
While my kamma seems more deeply rooted in thoughts of sensual lust than of anger, I think I can relate to your frustration at seeing yourself act (even if mostly mentally) unskillfully and perhaps feeling almost powerless to act differently.
Continue to practice and you will see, in time, that you were right about all of the observations you made this morning. May you know and see beyond the intellectual-level, friend, and find peace with your situation.
By: Hickersonia on 11/21/2013
at 4:07 pm
Thank you for your perspective and encouragement! Every good blessing!
By: Upāsaka on 11/21/2013
at 7:08 pm