Cattāri Brahmavihārā

This morning as I prepared to sit for my routine session of anapanasati I had no real expectation or dread about what was to come. I formulated my intention to sit and then did just that. At some point, maybe ten or fifteen minutes in, the breakers of thoughts began rolling in with increasing intensity until the mind was completely embroiled in them. At that point I heard my littl son coughing and the thought of taking on his pain and give him my ease bubbled up. I followed it for some time, breathing in his pain and out my ease until it began to founder under the waves of restless thought. It was here that a flower of real concern tha I would call authentic compassion bloomed in my heart. I opened to the racing, anxiety ridden thoughts and truly wished myself well. It was was almost impersonal but it was a powerful recognition of the suffering there and, maybe because it was seen and acknowledged, it seemed to lose its hold on the mind.

I don’t quite know what to make of it but it seems to me that rather than sending a confectioned compassion to myself,  open, acceptance of suffering worked to soothe and heal. Today’s experience has brought renewed interest and called into question my understanding of just how compassion as a brahmavihara works and the ways it is best cultivated.