Posted by: Upāsaka Subhavi | 07/30/2013

Happy Uposatha – Karuna

Karuna

 

Happy uposatha to all! As you can see, I have been smitten with this site that allows you to create cool, motivational-type posters with images and text of your choice. If you can’t tell from the above, karuna is going to be the theme of today’s post precisely because it has been so painfully lacking from my life of late. It’s funny how I can claim to base a good quarter to a third of my daily practice on the cultivation of the brahma viharas and yet fail to treat myself with any of them during the hours I spend off of the cushion. what is more, I don’t believe I even realized just what was going on until the end of a ten-minute walking meditation session that I just finished up with.

If you’ll recall (or if you simply check out the post prior to this one) my last post was on the subject of confusion and although this was an adequate description of how I have been feeling I don’t know if I conveyed the sense of anxiety and angst that such confusion stirs up in my heart. In essence, I have been feeling confused and  have been somewhat surreptitiously blaming myself for not “getting it” at the same time. Over the past week or so, my inability to find stability or peace is not simply something which I have been able to watch arise and fall objectively but has become symptomatic of a defect of character and a fault of will; in short, I’m not trying hard enough and I better damn well get to it if I want to put an end to this suffering like it or not.

Silly, yes of course it is, but true too. So, as I was walking and realizing that my mind wasn’t settling and feeling upset and disappointed with myself  suddenly realized that force and discernment aren’t good bedfellows. You can’t force insight or force samadhi. I simply need to soften and hold it all with a little more gentleness, kindness and compassion and realize that this is simply the unenlightened mind and a 35 year old’s body trying the best they can to tread the path and plant seeds of goodness. I tend to forget to be encouraged and grateful for the moments of clarity and awakening during a 50 minute sit (there may be 5 on a good day) and instead see only the negative. The Dhamma isn’t a commodity and efficiency isn’t the yardstick by which we measure our progress but I forget these truths so easily. Thank you to all for giving me a place to remember.

Sabbe satta sabba dukkha pamuccantu.

 

 


Responses

  1. Be kind to yourself, and keep at it friend!

    • Thanks for the reminder! Be well and happy uposatha!


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Shillelagh Studies

A hub for the music, culture, knowledge, and practice of Irish stick-fighting, past and present.