Posted by: Upāsaka | 05/28/2013

Surprise It’s Anger

I have been feeling somewhat low energy of late and my practice has been feeling stale and forced. In fact, due to the combination of restless and sloth that was assailing m?e yesterday I spent a total of 45 minutes doing walking meditation because I just couldn’t rouse the energy to do sitting meditation.

This morning wasn’t really any different and my two year old began intermittently screaming for me from quarter after five until I finished my sitting about an hour later. The constant interruptions did little to settle my mind and, if I had been more aware, I would have realized that my mind was darkening and my heart contracting as a result of my unmet expectations.

Still, the anger that arose a short time later while Google-talking my partner came as an unpleasant surprise and completely knocked me off center. From the safety of the future I can now see that my reaction (justified or not according to the rules of common sense and mundane reasoning) did nothing but enflame my mind and make the body fevrish and uncomfortable. My mind was spinning in circles of blame and justification making up excuses for myself and condemning my business partner’s failings but it was only as I took my quick shower that I realized what was happening: I was fully invested in the play of praise and blame. Seeing that was enough to release me from bondage and the shock of anger subsided and eventually ebbed away.

So, what did I learne this morning? Well, simply that heedfulness is the best protection and without it we can easily buy into the unskillful ways of the world. Sukhita hontu!


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