Cattāri Brahmavihārā

So, not to put too fine a point on it but last night I was completely overcome by ill-will and aversion to the point that I lash out in word and in thought. I am still btrying to work out exactly what happened despite the half-knowledge that it will be a futile effort but I can certainly say that I failed by the only measure that means anything to me: the Buddhadhamma.

When one considers the Simile of the Saw it brings one’s shortcomings in to greater focus and reminds us of just how far we have to go. Harsh words are one thing but imagine trying to keep a heart full of loving-kindness towards the beings who were literally sawing one’s limbs off. Obviously there’s much work to be done.

So, what have I learned? Beyond the fact that I need to apply myself with ever more effort and vigor I have learned more about my weaknesses. I learned that when I am tired I need to redouble my mindfulness and that I need to try to open my heart especially to those who feel hurt by me. Shutting down only makes a situation worse and does nothing to cultivate the heart.

I offer this as a confession and a resolve to do better by maintaining awareness and trying to keep my heart open. May all beings be happy!