Posted by: Upāsaka Subhavi | 04/11/2013

Burn Out

Yesterday’s uposatha was particulartly tough for me and I awoke this morning feeling weak and nauseous. I feel almost ashamed to admit that liquid fasting for a scant 16 hours has the ability to lower my mood to the point where I am deesperately awaiting the first rays of light to filter down from the the buildings above and into my ground floor windows but that was this morning’s truth. Rather than seeking the etiology and trying to plan the perfect uposatha maybe it would be wiser to reflect on how this feels and what I should bring to it.

My first impulse is to judge myself severely and compare myself to the forest ajahns I’ve read about or the likes of Mahakassapa the master of dhutanga practices. But, comparing myself to such great beings in this way is hardly skillful and leads only to further self-concern and self-pity. Perhaps the best way to hold my uposatha breakdown is to remember that, although the observance was hard for me it was done blamelessly and out of a desire for true happiness. What more could be asked? All we can do is work on the causes and the results will naturally follow.

May we all see the truth of the Dhamma and bear with our practice!


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