Cattāri Brahmavihārā

The last week or so of formal meditation hasn’t produced any deep concentration and as much as I am tempted to regard my sits with disdain I have to admit that, upon reflection, there has been a lot going that I feel must have some value if I can only hold and process it correctly.

This morning’s session was a constant struggle to stay with the breath and I began to notice those areas in the body where I was literally leaning in towards the breath. My upper back and shoulders were continually clenching and I noticed similar patterns of tension in my head and face. Somewhere around the 25 minute mark it dawned on me that this was the situation at hand and that no amount of wishful thinking or condemnation would change that. I realized that the brahma vihara called for was upekkha, equanimity, and even bringing this to mind and inclining the heart in that direction made the tumult somewhat easier to bear. So it was that I sat with my monkey mind, trying to tempt it back to thed breath time and again, and realizing in a half-lit kind of way that my job was to work on causes and leave the effects to sort themselves out later.

I must admit that my insight into equanimity was superficial at best and has apparently not penetrated beyond the intellect for I still find myself discontent with what today’s sit had to offer. The one unquestionably bright moment was when, in desperation, I turned to the thought of the Triple Gem and how meeting with the Tisarana has been the greatest of blessings. Circumstances are constantly in flux but it seems to me that the cultivation of equanimity and remembrance of the Buddha, Dhamma and Sangha need to take a more prominent role in my life and meditation.