Maybe it’s because I work for myself or maybe it’s just the nature of the beast but whenever I find my schedule interrupted by the demands of others I suffer for it immensely. There is this almost overwhelming desire to be “productive” and not waste time on things which fall beyond the narrowly proscribed boundaries that I call “work.” Still, when I stop and reflect on it it is obviously a chimera: I am simply loathe to be away from my desk. I think that it has to do with a very real aversion to being seen by my partner and employees as shirking my responsibilities and not doing my “fair share” although it’s anyone’s guess what that may be and I have yet to find that I have ever done enough work in the course of a day.
And, despite the draw to understand the formation of my anxiety, it really just needs to be understood synchronically and in itself; paticca samuppada makes it pretty clear that there’s no hope of tracing the thing to its source a la psychoanalysis. So, here I sit on a stalled N train late to get back to work and engulfed by a throbbing anxiety. May I reflect on the impermanence of life and recall that the only provision we can make for our journey is our kamma. Maranadhammomhi maranam anatito.
Cattāri Brahmavihārā 
I typically wouldn’t link to something of mine in a comment, but I was struck but what you wrote and it reminded me of my own experience and something I wrote about that experience: http://wp.me/p2R0UA-3R
Thank you for sharing & be well~
By: bussokuseki on 01/18/2013
at 11:05 pm
Anxiety appears when thought stories are believed/paid attention to.
We are human beings, not human doings.
Society tells us we are human doings, especially at work.
Nothing done will ever justify anyone.
To who would that be, anyway ?
It’s hard to remember sanity ( at least at first) when we are surrounded by insanity.
Clear eyed honesty like this is the acid that dissolves delusions. Keep looking and sharing !
With metta,
Dominic
By: dominic724 on 01/20/2013
at 9:56 pm