Cattāri Brahmavihārā

There is no evil like hatred,
And no fortitude like patience.
Thus I should strive in various ways
To meditate on patience.

Shantideva

What should we do in the face of hatred? Of harsh speech, vindictive behavior? Forbear. Forbear like Lord Buddha advised the beaten and bloodied Angulimala after he had been attacked during his pindapata.

People follow & associate for a motive. Friends without a motive these days are rare. They’re shrewd for their own ends, & impure. Wander alone like a rhinoceros.

Khaggavisana Sutta: A Rhinoceros

I’m slowly learning what it looks like to wander alone even in the midst of a marriage. I see everyday that the person I married is not someone who values me, likes me or wants anything from me beyond material support.

And that’s normal. It’s okay. It’s the result of kamma.

I’m learning not to carry resentment. I’m learning that I’m entitled to no one’s affection. I’m learning that life is like this.

I’m learning to practice silā, samadhi and pañña here and planning for the types of admirable friendships I may make after this current situation dissolves.

May all beings have happiness and the causes of happiness.

“These four, young householder, should be understood as warm-hearted friends: he who is a helpmate, he who is the same in happiness and sorrow, he who gives good counsel, he who sympathises…

The friend who is a helpmate, the friend in happiness and woe, the friend who gives good counsel, the friend who sympathises too — these four as friends the wise behold and cherish them devotedly as does a mother her own child.”

— DN 31

Let this be our model when looking for companionship.

By applying these ten perfections, one transforms personal difficulties into an opportunity for wisdom, patience, generosity, and loving-kindness, ultimately progressing along the path to liberation.

This is specifically for romantic relationships but I suppose it could work for any relationship.

1. Recognize that kilesa (lust) formed the basis of your relationship. Recognize that both of you followed your enflamed desire in the pursuit of pleasure. Cultivate pañña and upsell ha, reflecting on the fact that unskillful actions always ripen in bad results.
2. Make the aditthana (determination) that all relationships you enter into be dedicated to the pursuit of virtue and will be based on the Dhamma. Allow any adhammic, akusala relationships to run their course. Do not add fuel to them through resistance, anger or jealous speech. Forbear. Cultivate khanti.
3. Clearly acknowledge their behavior as being unskillful. Contemplate how they must feel inside to be able to act this way. Contemplate on the fact that all beings are the owners of their kamma. Cultivate compassion for how they’re suffering now and how they are planting seeds of future suffering. Practice tonglen for them.
4. Reflect on the goodness they do exhibit. If you can’t do that at least be grateful for what blessings they have in their life. Recall that all beings have been our mothers and our children in past lives. Use this opening to cultivate mettā or karuna for them.
5. Dedicate merit to them on a daily basis. If possible, make a gift or offering of service to them and dedicate the merit of this gift to them.

“Ãcariya Mun then explained to them the essential meaning of the five moral precepts, a code of conduct applying equally to all living beings.

First: Every living being values its own life, so no one should destroy that intrinsic value by taking someone else’s life. This results in very bad kamma.

Second: All beings cherish their own possessions. Even if they don’t appear to have much value, the owner values them nonetheless. Regardless of its worth, nothing belonging to another person should be debased by theft or robbery.

For such actions debase not only their possessions, but their hearts as well. Stealing is a terrible act – so never steal.

Third: Husbands and wives, children and grandchildren, all love each other dearly.

They do not want to see anyone taking liberties with their loved ones. Their personal rights should be respected and their private space should be off limits to others. Spousal infringement is extremely damaging to people’s hearts, and as such is an act of incalculable evil.

Fourth: Lies and prevarication destroy other people’s trust, causing them to lose all respect. Even animals abhor deceit, so one should never hurt others by using false, deceitful language.

Fifth: Alcohol is by its very nature intoxicating and immensely harmful.

Drinking it can cause a perfectly normal person to go crazy and steadily waste away. Anyone wishing to remain a normal, sane human being should refrain from drinking any form of liquor because it damages physical and mental health, eventually destroying people and everyone else around them.

Each of these five moral precepts has its own special benefits. By maintaining the first one, we can expect to enjoy good health and longevity. By the second, our wealth and property will be safe from criminal attack or other misfortune. By the third, family members will keep faith with each other, and live contentedly without unwanted interference. With the fourth, we will be trusted because of our integrity.

When our speech is charming and pleasant, humans and devas alike will respect and cherish us. Honest people pose no threat to themselves or anyone else. And by maintaining the fifth precept, we will be clever, intelligent people who are not easily misguided nor readily thrown into confusion.

People who maintain moral virtue tend to reassure living beings everywhere by promoting a sense of satisfaction and mutual trust. Immoral people, on the other hand, cause untold suffering by harming people and animals all over the world.

Those who value their own existence should understand that all people value themselves similarly, and should, therefore, refrain from harming others in any manner. Due to the supportive, protective power of moral virtue, honest, virtuous people can expect to be reborn into an elevated, heavenly existence.

Thus it is vital to maintain high moral standards – the result will surely be a heavenly destination in the next life. Remember this Dhamma teaching, practice it diligently, and your future prosperity is assured.”

~ Ajahn Maha Boowa Yanasampanno
Recounted by Venerable Acariya Mun Bhuridatta
trans. by Bhikkhu Silaratano

According to Thanissaro Bhikkhu, “No obstacles, no n perfections” is a Thai saying that serves to remind us that it is impossible to develop spiritually in the absence of trying circumstances. Perhaps this is why a Buddha is always born in the human realm according to the Theravada.

Turning to the perfections, or parami as they are called in Pāli, they are a list (of commentarial provenance I believe) of 10 qualities that must be perfected over the course of millions of lives to become a Buddha. More generally, these qualities are seen as necessary to progress along the path of practice, even if the aim is not quite as grand.

For myself, the framework of the paramis has been important for my practice for decades. So, what are they?

Here is an excerpt from Bhikkhu Samahita’s old site:

There are 10 Perfect Qualities!

Contemplation of the Ten Perfecting Qualities (Dasa Parami):

1: May I be generous and always helpfully giving service (Dāna parami).
2: May I be morally pure, virtuous and well-disciplined (Sīla parami).
3: May I be modest and withdrawing into simple living (Nekkhamma parami).
4: May I be wise by understanding what should be known (Paññā parami).
5: May I be enthusiastic, energetic, & never giving up the good (Viriya parami).
6: May I be patient, tolerant, and forgive other’s wrongs (Khanti parami).
7: May I be honest, trustworthy, scrupulous, and truthful (Sacca parami).
8: May I be firm, resolute, determined, and immovable (Adhitthāna parami).
9: May I be kind, gentle, compassionate and friendly (Mettā parami).
10: May I be calm, balanced, serene and imperturbable (Upekkhā parami).
May I train to be mentally perfect. May I be perfect to keep training!

More on these 10 Mental Perfections (Dasa Parami): 
The_Ten_Perfections, The 10 Mental Perfections