Cattāri Brahmavihārā

Life and marriage rarely work out the way we would have imagined them when we were still largely blinded by delusion and desire. And yet, for those of us who have made commitments and are raising families, even though things have changed between ourselves and our partners, it doesn’t mean that we need to feel compelled to throw it all away. I am not at the stage where I could just leave my kids and life to walk the holy life like Lord Buddha but nor do I wish to leave a string of serial relationships in my wake and bring more suffering to my children and potential partners.

As such, the idea of renewing my vows to my wife that are in line with the Dhamma, that serve to further my spiritual growth and reduce suffering, has seemed like the right thing to do. So, without further ado, here are my wedding vows, renewed:

May I view our relationship clearly, without denial.
May I act from compassion, not anger.
May I affirm what I will do,
and release what I cannot accept.

I vow to respect, provide, and care for our children,
and to uphold these duties with diligence
until they are grown and stand on their own.

I vow not to be drawn into flames of anger,
criticism, or resentment.
I will not let my mind or heart be shaped by anger,
and I will not return anger for anger.

I vow to live in the spirit of brahmachariya,
renouncing the physical and romantic aspects of our bond.
I turn instead toward patience, kindness, and inner peace.
This is not rejection, but protection.

I vow that when words of kindness and love arise,
I will meet them with openness and care.
When words are rooted in resentment or vengeance,
I will answer with silence, not argument.
In this way, I preserve peace and prevent further harm.

I vow to acknowledge the pain I have caused.
For those times, I ask forgiveness sincerely.
I regret the harm I have done,
yet I will not remain bound forever
as though by an eternal debt.
I choose learning, wisdom, and compassion.
I hope the past may soften for us both.

I vow to provide for my family,
to remain faithful, and to act responsibly.
I will stand present for my children
with love that does not waver.

I vow that when our children are grown,
I will reassess our life together.
If resentment remains, separation may be best.
If healing has taken place, a new path may appear.
Either way, I act not from hatred,
but from the wish for freedom from suffering for both of us.

I vow to honor the life we have shared.
I vow to care deeply for you and our children.
I vow to wish you well in heart and mind.