Cattāri Brahmavihārā

Yesterday, after having driven to NH on Saturday, we were set to drive back to NYC. That’s a lot of driving in 24 hours and may have been the reason this happened but who really knows.

Anyway, around 1:30pm I was cleaning out the car, washing the windows and getting it ready for the trip when I began to notice a quiet disturbance in my visual field; my left eye to be exact. It was an undulating, crescent shaped iridescent aura. I knew from my one experience prior that this portended a migraine and went to inform my wife that we may not be able to leave so soon.

She was angry and simply didn’t believe me. She suggested I take 200 mg of ibuprofen (good active) and go lay down but continued to take pot shots at me throughout the day. Eventually, the aura and headache went away and I drove us back home as well as making a stop at an orchard but felt ill for most of the drive.

My point here is this: I was really hurt by her insistence that I was lying and, perhaps equally so, by the idea that my suffering didn’t matter and that I needed to shut up and deal. And yet, as painful as that was, I see now what a good lesson it was.

My suffering doesn’t matter to anyone but me and, truthfully, what does sympathy gain me? An excuse to wallow? Permission to be heedless? A pass to stop striving? So, I should actually be thankful. And, instead of being angry and resentful, giving her the silent treatment as punishment, I should remove myself in whatever ways I can right now to refocus on the Dhamma and in strengthening my inner refuge.

I need to learn how to be a lamp and an island for myself because there is no one else who can do that for me. So, my thanks to my migraine and a disbelieving spouse for pointing out the Dhamma again and rousing me from my slumber.