Yesterday was rough. I believe I sabotaged myself by breaking my brahmacariya commitment and everything else kind of fell apart from there. I felt low energy and generally out of sorts but I was still able to maintain a mind of care and concern for other beings despite it all. Mostly, I was feeling overwhelmed by the suffering of beings while at the same time being gripped by nihilistic delusions. Even though I have strong faith in kamma, a pernicious thought kept returning to my mind asking “What’s the point of this practice if there is no succor? ” Of course there is and I have benefitted immensely from it but sometimes it just doesn’t feel that way.
I was able to abbey to the fact that I have been aspiring to take on the suffering of beings near and far so it wasn’t a complete loss. Still, the discursive mind keeps reissuing itself in knots over the fact that no one can actually tale on the akusala kamma of another being. But, the intention to relieve suffering and to experience the necessary discomfort in doing so is the point and that’s what this practice means to me currently.
May I give this and all subsequent lives to the practice of the Dhamma that I may realize the path of sammasambodhi for the benefit of beings.
Cattāri Brahmavihārā 
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