The last few days have been rough and I literally had to hold myself down on the cushion for last night’s session of formal, seated meditation. There was just so much aversion, directed primarily to myself, that I almost couldn’t bear it. Why? No idea really, as nothing in particular beyond indulging in mundane sense pleasures seemed to have precipitated it. But it was there and it was strong.
Today I met it again but was in a better place to deal with it more skillfully and chose to go right into metta bhavana by repeating the phrases with my mala — a technique that helps me when I’m feeling especially restless. After having completed the rounds I turned to body awareness and then anapanasati for some time before finishing again with metta.
It’s funny because I was speaking with Bhante Suddhaso the other night when he came to teach at my office and I commented that I didn’t hate anyone but clearly I forgot that I have some pretty deep seated issues with myself. And, for all the trouble I’v had trying to imagine what freedom from suffering might feel like, I have no such issues when it comes to imagining being free from ill-will.
Cattāri Brahmavihārā 
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