In not sure how to characterize the feeling out really hire to describe it in light of the Dhamma but it seems to me that, for as long as I can remember, I have always held back, not giving myself over to the moment or tried to excuse myself as quickly as possible from interactions with my fellow humans. At root it feels like fear and aversion: fear of being found out, disliked or of doing something I’d rather not have to do. Whether it’s arranging my commute to avoid as many acquaintances as possible or begrudging the nightly routine of homework, music practice, dinner, wash up and bedtime, I feel as if I’m never quite there and always ready to alight into the next branch that’s offered.
Bringing this into full awareness of the first step of course but as of yet I’m not quite sure how to work with something that appears to be a deeply rooted trait of this personality. Using the Four Noble Truths as my guide I know I first need to come to understand this dukkha so I suppose that is exactly what I need to be working on now.
Cattāri Brahmavihārā 
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