Cattāri Brahmavihārā

360. Since I went forth
From home into homelessness
I have not been aware of having
Any ignoble or hateful thoughts, such as:

“May they be killed, may they be slaughtered,
May they come to harm.”
Such thoughts have not crossed my mind
For a long time.

On the contrary, I am aware of thoughts of love,
Infinite, well-developed,
Practised in due order
As taught by the Buddha.

I am a friend to all, a helper to all,
Sympathetic to all beings.
I develop a mind full of love
And delight always in harmlessness.

I gladden my mind
Which is immovable and unshakable.
I develop the divine states
Not cultivated by evil men.

Therigatha 645-649

Maybe it’s a result of having had a little more time to devote to formal practice or that I have resolved to recite the Eight Verses every morning but in the last two days I have become frightfully aware of just how much ill-will and judgement still lurks within. And yet I don’t mean for this to be a doleful lament because it is anything but. I am, in fact, quite happy to realize that I am having these thoughts and to be able to take measures to counter them.

I think the most interesting thing that I discovered today was that adding forgiveness of those we feel have wronged us may act as the key to open hearts after we have tried everything else. You see, I have a friend who I have know since freshman year of college and who is still friend with others in our circle but who had not seen to me in about the years. Every now and again I get this absence keenly and it is all the more painful due to not knowing the cause. I have gone through the anger, resentment, compassion, metta, tonglen but it struck me this morning to ask forgiveness (for the time being only mentally). And, almost immediately, the clenched fist around my heart opened. Why? Who knows but it seems to me nothing is left to chance and I am heir to some kamma that caused the situation. In short, I must have done something in the past to have caused this state of affairs so our only makes sense to ask forgiveness.

With an open heart and clear setting all that is left to decide is whether I should actually apologize in the so-called real world. I think I may via email or letter as I know this person not to react well to displays of interpersonal vulnerability.

Regardless, may we all strive to be like the nun (bhikkhuni) who composed the better above and empty or heard of hatred.