Cattāri Brahmavihārā

It wouldn’t be an exageration to say that my formal breah practice is an absolute mess. Within less than a minute of sitting down my mind has departed completely from the breath and into fantasies about work and life with an intensity that I don’t recall having seen before. It is so bad that I have seen a desire to punish and squelch the thinking on several occasions. Fortunately, I have seen such habitual reactions enough to know that, even if I could crush the thinking out of existence, it would only serve to distance me from the development of wisdom which is what I am ultimately after.

Although all of the reflections above are no doubt true I can say with confidence that, in the moment, my mind was only dimly aware of them and that faith in the Dhamma was what helped me to keep going. Somehow, the dark, roiling depths I waqs able to formulate the determination that, come what may, I wouldn’t give up my pursuit of the breath. Small victory but a victory over doubt and confusion nonetheless.